Thais Ramos Varela

Here's Why I Don't Think You Can 'Save' Someone Through A Relationship


I'll never get on board with the idea of “saving” someone in a relationship for several reasons.

I'm not unsympathetic to the fact that everyone gets a little lost from time-to-time, and there are people along the way who help reveal perspectives that might lead us back down our intended path.

However, “saving” someone is extreme. I'm a firm believer in the idea that you should be able to not only stand on your own, but also persevere, learn and grow on your own.

Abuse of any kind is a major difficulty, but fighting your way out of it is essential to learning from it.

Here's why:

1. You have ultimate control of your life.

I know it is cliché, but you really can't save anyone.

Think about the feeling of drowning in any of life's tribulations: work, love, stress, drugs etc. We can all sympathize.

People often use the phrase "it's out of control," but that's bullshit. You're either balancing too much, not using moderation or losing touch with your introspection, or rather, yourself.

No matter the reason, you hold all the power.

Sure, we're all vulnerable sometimes, but that doesn't mean there's nothing we can do to get back on the right path.

No one can love you back from abuse of any kind because love isn't the answer. Empowerment. Confidence. Acceptance. These are the saviors of abuse.

Life happens, but nothing is ever ultimately out of your control.

I'm not saying a significant other or a friend can't inspire us, but the act of rising above abuse, in addition to avoiding relapsing into the same behavior, requires an inner strength.

2. If you rely on someone else, you'll just keep getting lost.

We come into this world as vulnerable as we should ever be.

All of the life experiences we go through firsthand, hear about, watch, listen to, read about, etc., these experiences become knowledge.

This knowledge forms wisdom and values, and that's what is to be relied on to navigate this thing called life. There's a difference between having a shoulder to lean on and having a constant crutch.

Some people may find it easy to rely on someone else as a form of "damage control," and to have them map out the right steps toward their own happiness.

However, I can promise you, that is vicious, vicious circle. Until you can develop your own thoughts and plans and turn them into actions that support and fulfill you, you'll be a regular in rock bottom.

3. You shouldn't owe anyone that much.

A relationship is an intricate, fragile form of teamwork.

It isn't one person swooping in with a cape and giving someone salvation. It is hard work on both parts, as it should be.

As it has been said many times, you can't love someone unless you love yourself.

And you can't love yourself until you learn to endure, appreciate and adore every broken piece. That means recognizing, dealing with and learning from every mistake.

Once again, there is nothing wrong with having someone to show you the light, but think of them as a flashlight. Fight your way toward the end as much as you possibly can because you'll learn so much through that struggle.

That will become the hardship that forms your armor and makes you strong enough to love yourself, as well as others.

You should never look at someone and think, “I wouldn't be who I am without you.” Your significant other should complement you, not define you.

You should be able to trade horror stories, triumphs and fully understand why your paths intersect. Because you deserve that experience; you deserve that victory.

Don't give it to someone else.