14 Realities Of Being Single This Time Of Year
You're single? How the hell did you let this happen?
Did you miss last fall's memo announcing the official start of cuffing season? Did you get locked out of your Tinder profile? Did you dump your SO because she was into really dark anime porn?
I'm asking because, I don't know if you heard, but being single this time of year is the worst thing that can possibly happen to you.
It's almost Valentine's Day, which means Ice Queen Pam in the cubicle next to you is going to get a flower delivery from her husband. When you get nothing, even Ice Queen Pam is going to pity you. Rule Number One: Never give Ice Queen Pam a reason to pity you.
Remember that urban legend about the two people fucking in a car in the forest? Remember how they got mutilated by a man with a hook-hand? That was better than being single in the winter. At least they were having hot sex when they died. What's your excuse?
There are certain realities of being single this time of year that don't include the wrath of Ice Queen Pam. Here they are in a listicle made for easy reading! (I'm assuming it's more difficult to read when you're crying tears of solitude.)
You're well acquainted with the Snuggie, not so much the snuggle.
When it's negative 20 degrees outside, the best kind of heat is the body heat of snuggling.
But unless you hire a prostitute to skip the kinky stuff and go straight to the forking, the only way to warm your lonely heart is to seek refuge beneath the plaid Snuggie your grandparents gifted you last year.
No one wants to accompany you to a fancy prix fixe meal.
If you want to pay $48 for a three-course French feast, you should damn well be able to. You don't need a date with a greasy mustache and knuckle hair to buy it.
But that isn't the REALITY of Valentine's Day. What you might classify as ballsy other people will see as strange and sad. Your choice.
You'll be forced to help your coupled friends pick out disgusting gifts.
You get hives even thinking about the pink and red schlock that consumes stores' aisles this time each year. Yet your coupled friend will drag you into the depths of that aisle to pick out a gift for her boyfriend.
You silently suffer as she debates which is cuter: the stuffed elephant holding a heart or the stuffed tiger dressed as Cupid.
Movies are for watching, not steamy makeouts.
Over the course of your last relationship, do you remember the plotlines of any films that were released? Of course you don't. Every movie was really just an opportunity for heavy petting.
The consolation prize now is pretty dope, though. Movies are really entertaining AND feature people with great asses.
Your body pillow is a poor stand-in for a person.
Spooning is a delight. That delight is dulled when you trade in the human body for goose feathers.
Spending any holiday alone sucks ass.
Each holiday you spend alone feels like it's coloring your soul a deeper shade of black. That goes for everything from St. Patrick's Day to Arbor Day.
You WANT to be with someone.
We're all afraid of dying alone amidst a herd of cats. We want to find love, no matter how much we deny it.
This is what you dread about being single, but in actuality...
Everyone knows snuggling is actually sweaty and gross!
Snuggling is great for about two minutes.
Then you start feeling light-headed and overheated. Drowning also becomes a concern, thanks to the amount of sweat you and your partner produce whilst entangled.
Prix fixe meals are overpriced AF!
You don't REALLY want to pay $48 for portions so small you're convinced they're for ant couples instead of human couples.
Also, prix fixe restaurants are FILLED with the types of couples that sit on the same side of the table. Same side of the table couples are THE WORST and everyone knows it. You don't need to watch two people groping each other while you're trying to choke down your artisanal churro.
You get to keep all your money!
Go home and jump into your kiddie pool of money just like Scrooge McDuck used to do. You get to keep all of it instead of splurging on someone unworthy of your love.
You get to put as much butter on your popcorn as you want!
When you're on a movie date, you can't properly drench your popcorn in butter if your date is one of those high-maintenance people who prefers a less liberal coating. No one wants to hold a buttery hand during a tense scene.
When you are sans date, you have no such concerns.
You can sleep in literally any position your heart desires!
You don't need a human OR a body pillow. You can spread eagle. You can snore at any decibel you need to. You can regulate the temperature of the bed to your specifications. THAT is the dream.
Holidays like this never live up to expectations!
Um, hello, holidays are TERRIBLE. They put all sort of pressure on people that they can never live up to. Who needs it? Embrace the fact that no one is expecting anything of you.
You don't NEED to be with someone.
You say you want to be with someone else? I say…GET OVER IT!
Look in the mirror and repeat after me: You don't NEED to be with anybody — you are everything you need.
You are awesome. You're not alone — you're just holding out for someone as awesome as you.
Being single is hard. But it's even harder when you're a disfigured superhero whose one true love presumes you're dead. In theaters Friday, February 12, Marvel's Deadpool tells the origin story of Wade Wilson (played by Ryan Reynolds), a former Special Forces operative who adopts the alter ego Deadpool after an experiment leaves him with accelerated healing powers.