You can't just swipe right on anyone.
Dating apps are a lawless land. It's dangerous out there. You have to swipe with some sort of discretion, or who knows whom you'll end up with. A soulmate or a sociopath — those are the only two options in my book!
Women put a lot of effort into their dating profiles. We pick an assortment of photos that attempt to display our personality and choose a bio that's captivating and funny.
With men, though, it's hard to tell what they do. Sometimes, it seems like they pick a fake job, write a bio that makes them look a like a monster, choose the worst photos in their iPhone, and then call it a day.
Ah, to have the confidence of a man.
So before log on the app of your choice, here are some questions to ask yourself when you swipe right on a guy's profile.
1. How Old Is He Really?
What is it with guys whose profile says they are 30, but then, their bio says, "I'm actually 65, I don't know how to change it!" or better yet, that Facebook won't "let them" change it?
I also once matched with a guy named Will, who, once we started talking, told me his name was really Danny.
"Can't figure out how to fix it," he claimed.
What kind of elaborate scheme is this!
2. Is That His Pet Tiger?
Is that really his pet tiger? Is that his Ferrari? Is that his private jet? Wow, did he win the Stanley Cup, or is he just posing with it? Is he really best friends with Drake?
Let me answer for you: No, no, no, no, and no.
3. Why Is He Telling Me The Results Of His Personality Test?
Oh, by the way, I'm an NFQR.
If you have time to be taking personality tests on the internet, or rather, that is how you choose to use your time, then most likely, that is all I need to know about your personality.
It's not good.
4. Does He Have Photos With Other Women?
If that's not his sister, then why is she featured on his profile?
If the guy is posting pics of himself with hot girls, it's because he's trying to demonstrate his self-worth and value. A guy who wants to show off how close he is to other attractive females is most likely both deeply insecure, shallow, and a narcissist.
Swipe left if you know what's good for you, or you might just end up another pic on his profile one day.
5. Why Does He Have Pictures With Celebs?
Similarly, the guy who has photos of himself with celebrities wants you to believe that he is friends with celebrities.
That picture he has of himself with James Franco, where James Franco looks super annoyed to be stopped in the middle of his day to be taking a photo, does not scream, "I am best friends with James Franco."
This tweet sums it up nicely:
6. What Is His Job Actually?
Comedian at Comedy? "Custom Experience Guru?" Neuroscientist? Writer?
Writing a bio doesn't make you a writer, FYI. And why are there so many architects?
Sometimes, the jobs on dating apps feel like the jobs people have on The Bachelor — aspiring dolphin trainer, anyone?
7. Is He Already In A Relationship?
Always read the bio first.
You have to make sure you read the fine print, because there have been several times that I've swiped right on a guy, only to find out that he's a man in an open relationship, looking for a girl on the side, or he's in a couple looking for a threesome.
The bios are there for a reason, and you'll learn a lot from them. Read them.
8. Is He Wearing Hats In All His Photos?
Because then, he might be fedora guy.
Or he might be bald. Yes, he might be "I am wearing hats to hide that I am obviously bald" dude.
9. Is He Wearing Sunglasses In All Of His Photos?
Similar to hat-wearing, potentially-bald guy, sunglasses in all of his photos man might literally have... no eyes?
10. Does He Quote A Movie?
If he quotes Anchorman or an Adam Sandler or Jim Carrey movie, let me tell you this: Le-hoo-zayyyy-herrrr.
Do you have any questions you like to ask yourself before swiping? Let me know in the comments.