Ah, the single life. It certainly has its ups and downs. You never know when you're going to get laid next, but when you do get laid, there's usually a hilarious tale behind how it happened.
I'm usually on the receiving end of many a booty call that make me question what the hell goes on in the heads of the men in this world. These texts mostly filter in at some point past 11 pm and stop coming in around about 6 am.
Now, I don't respond to most of these texts, unless I'm REALLY horny or REALLY drunk (or both). That being said, it's still pretty sad to see men have completely given up on trying.
I'm not asking to be courted here — such is the implication of a booty call — but a three-lettered, one-word answer doesn't seem like an acceptable ploy to get me into bed with you. But, hey, that's just me. (It's called a "booty call" for a reason, people. Jeez, the least you could do is call.)
Here is a list of some of the odd-yet-predictable texts I've gotten from dudes at ungodly hours of the evening:
Just a poop emoji
OK, not one, but two guys have sent me this text after 11 pm. WTF DOES THIS MEAN?! Can someone please enlighten me?
Are you saying you think I'm shitty? That I'm full of shit? That you want to try anal?
What the hell does a poop emoji on its own mean? I don't make this shit up (pun intended).
Just an eggplant emoji
This one's pretty cut-and-dry. Guy wants to bed me, and guy is being lazy in a "I'm not creative enough to think of something clever, so I'm just going to follow the crowd" kind of way.
Come on, dude. The eggplant bit is a little dried out by now.
Five missed calls
This one's also pretty self-explanatory. Though, sometimes, missed calls turn into (usually incoherent) voicemails.
Which are always fun to listen to in the morning.
Thanks, guy! You went the extra mile. You used 4 o's instead of just one, which means you paid more attention to detail. This is clearly chivalry at its finest! We should get MARRIED.
You're not sitting 3 feet away from me. There is literally no reason you should be screaming my name. (I'm assuming that's what you're doing because you put my name in caps.)
I think the guy who sent me this probably thought I had, like, five other suitors and that, if he put my name in all caps, I would pay the most attention to him.
Nah, dude. Just... nah.
This convo is one for the books. Some dude texted me at 4:33 am, but I didn't wake up until 11:30 am that morning. When I responded, he never replied back.
Cool, dude. Are you really going to leave me hanging like that? Are we really going to play the "I'm going to pretend I never texted her" game? (I low-key love that hard-to-get shit because, as you can see, I texted him days later with "Heyy.")
Yes, I've actually been sent this, or at least, some version of this.
Now that I'm thinking about it, it might have been something more along the lines of "Yo, u up?" It's the same idea, just with a twist.
This is not to be confused with "U up?" This guy is slightly less lazy because he's willing to meet me halfway, at a bar, not just in bed.
So, yay, I guess?
"Are you alive? Pick up if you are!"
I love this one.
Of course, I'm alive, you idiot. I'm just ignoring you because I'm 1) sleeping or 2) I'm not in a place in my life where I'm looking to revert back to sleeping with your douchey self.
"You should come over"
OK, fine. This one was by my hand. But I'm betting on the fact that a dude has sent me something like this before.
And, just in case you were wondering, no, he didn't come over.