So, before we get started, I guess we should define what a player is. To me, it means a person who is single and is out to date anybody he or she wants. It is as simple as that. I'm a player. I'm currently 30. I've experienced relationships, heartbreaks, one-night stands, infidelity (got cheated on and also cheated on someone), what I thought was love, Tinder dates and, of course, many drunken nights of debauchery.
I think that's perfectly fine and normal. But of course, in others' eyes, I'm considered the assh*le, douchebag or loser who does nothing but chase sex with any woman I see. It's kind of understandable, though.
Yet, there's more to me than meets the eye. Judge me all you like, but I have gained a ton of values from the player life, something I think non-players seriously need to learn to better themselves. Here are six reasons why there's more beneath my player exterior:
1. I am human, and that means I also experience pain.
That one time I got cheated on, I was very hurt. It was by somebody I thought I could trust. I told a friend about it, and she replied, "Lol." Without asking me what happened, she started to say how I deserved it.
This wasn't the first time. I've had general remarks made about me, saying that for all my failed relationships, I must have been the cause or that I cheated on all of them. That's bullsh*t, of course. Usually, nobody bothers to know the full story or what I had to go through.
They don't see the amount of pain I felt after I was cheated on, how someone was constantly putting me down and how devastated I was when the last woman I was seeing — somebody I thought I'd marry — disappeared entirely on me after two of half years of being together. They don't see me crying alone at night. They also never see my emotional growth, as I let go of my anger to forgive the exes who wronged me.
So yes, player or not, I am still human.
2. I think cheating is wrong.
I don't know about you, but the main problem I see with infidelity today is that many people who cheat make up various excuses as to why they're exempt from the title of "cheater."
"Oh, I was drunk. It doesn't count."
"As long as she doesn't find out, it might as well be left unsaid."
"It was only a little kiss."
But usually, it escalates into something more, and it's still considered "only" that. I've heard excuses like that tons of times from friends, even the married ones. So yeah, I think cheating is wrong. I think the only way out of it is to confess and then see if it can be worked out.
Otherwise, the relationship is pretty much void. It's one thing to make mistakes, but it's another to screw up and then refuse to accept responsibility.
3. I am extremely upfront with any woman I meet.
I always tell the women I meet early on that I am not looking for anything serious. This is to ensure that expectations were clear. I once even told this to a woman I just met in a club over drinks as the topic of relationships came up. But, not everyone can accept my lifestyle choice, especially after getting close.
Some women started accusing me of leading them on and started telling their friends what a player I was. I just have to shrug it off. The player subject to a lot a sh*t talking, and that's the way it is. But, I take pride in the fact that I've always been honest. I've never intentionally lied or deceived any woman just for sex.
4. Becoming a successful player comes from personal growth, and that's nothing to squawk at.
A lot of my personal growth came from learning how to talk to women. Diving into the PUA (pickup artist) community has allowed me to grow into a confident man, and I started to read, learn and, most of all, respect women. If you actually withhold your judgment on PUAs and leave out the bad apples, you'd know that learning how to approach women helps with a man's personal development and self-growth.
The journey to becoming a successful player consisted of a lot of lifestyle experiments. I had to learn how to break through the fear as I approached a woman and faced possible rejection, which happened a lot. I learned how to speak well, and I also put in the effort to look good.
I don't think anyone can be faulted for that. Say what you want about players, but as you're busy talking about them, they're busy improving themselves. They don't waste time talking about you.
5. I know what I want in life, and I'm not settling.
Personally, I think settling is an ugly word today when it comes to relationships. I think life is too short to wake up every day beside somebody you don't love. Comfort does not equate to love.
Things change every day. Divorce is very real. My father died when I was younger, so who's to say my mom can't experience true love today?
So, it is through playing the field and getting to know people where I know for sure what I want in life. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. It takes real courage to face the unknown future, and while not knowing if things will pan out, people will always be talking sh*t about you. But, I go at it anyway.
6. I am actually here for you.
During relationships, you learn things about yourself the most. You do things you never thought you would, even if it's something you regret. Nobody is a saint in a situation where things are emotionally charged.
That is why I am there for friends who are in need of help, and I'll never judge them for the things they do in their own relationships. That said, I don't spew forth garbage like, "Oh, she wants to break up? Well, you already banged her right? That's all that matters, bro."
Now here's a little food for thought: If you've noticed, non-players are usually at an emotionally low point and always go to their player friends for advice. I get it a lot. I hope this article can actually inspire people all-around with their relationships.
Alden Tan is the player who is also a writer. He writes about self-improvement, but he filters out stupid, fluffy advice. Check out his free book, "12 Things Happy People Don't Give a F*ck About," if you want to step up that happiness today.