My favorite way to argue in my relationship is to do so with a calm, compassionate voice and repeat things I've heard in therapy.
Arguing this way serves as a passive yet ever-so-aggressive reminder that I am a self-aware woman trained in mental espionage who will tear you apart from the inside.
If this is using therapy for the wrong reasons, I don't want to be right.
You, too, can use these five perfectly crafted phrases during an argument with your man to gently remind him you've spent hours of your life working on yourself; therefore, you are a better person than he is, and you will take him down like Rocky Balboa.
1. "I refuse to get on your emotional escalator right now."
This scathing little proverb says in no uncertain terms, “You are being an unreasonable little b*tch.”
Since men value rationality above all things, this is a beautiful starting point for what could be a bump in the road of your relationship or a battle for the ages. The choice is up to your unsuspecting lover.
Let's call him "Tom" to save him the embarrassment of what's sure to be a huge blow to his ego.
If he wants to dance, then you are poised to wage war on his nerves.
If Tom wants to dance, this phrase makes it clear that you're poised to wage a war on his nerves — the likes of which he'll never forget nor truly understand because he's not becoming self-actualized through therapy, like you are.
2. "You're projecting."
Every insult Tom hurls at you will boomerang back to pierce his solar plexus with this rendering of the schoolyard phrase, "I am rubber; you are glue."
Perhaps Tom hasn't gotten the message he's about to spar with the devil herself. Perhaps he doesn't fully grasp the futility of his efforts to shame you about how many organic skin creams you own.
Your guy is Bambi, this argument is his mother and you are the hunter lying silently in wait.
This isn't about your skin creams. This is about Tom wishing he had the tools for proper self-care — tools like your skin creams.
Tom is Bambi, this argument is his mother and you are the hunter lying silently in wait.
3. "I'm sorry you feel that way."
This is a wonderful adage to express your genuine sorrow for the fact Tom's feelings are wrong.
If Tom doesn't understand how wrong his feelings are, or if he hasn't yet shit the bed over how far off-the-rails his point has gone, this verbal gunshot will pointedly leave him in a pile of his own disgusting mess.
As Tom's tantrum grows louder than July 4th fireworks, you can rest in silent celebration of this: your own personal Independence Day.
4. "I am not responsible for your feelings."
There's the slightest chance Tom will accuse you of gaslighting him after that last axiom (if he knows what gaslighting means).
Do not be triggered by his trying to silence a woman using feminist weaponry.
Remember, you are a wizard of the mind — the human embodiment of an assault rifle — trained in the ancient art of KUNG-SHU-t-the-Fuck-Up because you go to therapy, and Tom doesn't.
Remember, you are a wizard of the mind, trained in the ancient art of KUNG-SHU-t-the-fuck-up.
It's about to be lights out for Tom, because when you hit him with this doozy of a truth bomb —striking hard and fast like an eagle — Tommy boy is going to go night-night.
“I am not responsible for your feelings, Tom. If you don't know that, well, maybe you should see a therapist, like I do.”
*Gasp* Maybe Tom just did, and it looks like she was YOU.
5. "You can be right, or you can be in this relationship."
At this point in your argument, Tom will most likely choose to "leave you" because you're such a "bad listener."
Remember, you're the one who's in therapy; you basically invented listening as far as Tom is concerned.
You know there's nothing he can give you that you can't give yourself, and that includes an orgasm.
That's OK, girl. You know your worth because you've spent years in therapy, and you know there's nothing Tom can give you that you can't give yourself. And that includes an orgasm.
Besides, you'll always have your therapist, who specifically told you it would be a good idea to continue seeing each other until one of you dies.