Relationships

I'm Almost Over My Ex, But I Still Feel Jealous Of His Past Relationships

by Michael Lee
Andrey Pavlov

Jealousy can be a toxic emotion, a poisonous cocktail of possessiveness, envy and mistrust.

My love for him was inordinate. I loved, I suffered and now I hate. Yet, I still find myself aggressively jealous of my now ex-boyfriend's past encounters with his former lovers and flames, even through he is no longer here to hold my hand.

I've heard of being jealous and dubious of a current partner's exes. Feeling threatened and jeopardized of a partner's past is a natural feeling, after all. But why am I jealous of my ex's past? Was it that I never felt good enough when he was in my present? Why am I still letting his past affect my present? Did his past exes have such a profound effect on me that, even after he is gone, I am still left here alone, lingering with jealously?

The nights of him wishing me sweet dreams are now beloved memories of yesterday, but the feeling of suffocating and pain-ridden anxiety tightening my chest still exists for me today. I'm lying here restless, haunted by the ghosts of his remains. I wallow in self-pity, and I can't help but feel resentful. I can no longer call him my own, but the paranoia of his past leaves me feeling nostalgically numb.

Why do I find myself pondering over past lovers of my former boyfriend, even though he is no longer a part of my life? His stubbed face and piercing blue eyes may be gone, but my possessive and green-eyed envy very much still remain. His tales of lovers and one-night stands left me feeling distressed and lost for air, as he recalled every exact kiss and position in detail, demanded by my jealous and meddlesome mind.

The problem was, I asked too many questions. I wanted to know my ex-boyfriend's lover's names, how they met, what they looked like and — most agonizing of all — what they had done together in bed. My curiosity got the best of me, and even through it killed me a little inside, I still was left wanting to know more. It's gotten to the point where when I see someone who even half-resembles one of his exes (or what I visualize them to look like), I become paralyzed in my own self-doubt and fear. I've put them so high on a pedestal that I will never be able to compare to them.

His exes, in my mind, were everything I imagined them to be and everything I was not: slim, hairless and smooth. I imagined the scruff on his face that I used to love. I couldn't let go of the image of his facial hair on their flawless skin as he kissed their smooth, beautifully perfect, little faces.

I imagined the virile sex they had and the sweat pouring from his forehead as it happened. I imagined his towering, manly body on top of them, feeling the tingle of each chest hair etched on his mainly frame, years before I was able to proclaim each strand of hair as my own.

It's taken me a lot longer to get over him than I initially imagined, but who would have thought that my ex-boyfriend's past would be the reason I still find myself belittled and grasped with begrudging jealously and pulse-racing envy?

What is it about his past that still leaves me feeling numb? And when will I be able to run away from all the things he has done?

Hot Takes & Real Talk on Love and Dating
Whether you're ghosting or going deep, our daily scoop covers love lives, modern intimacy, and everything in between.
By subscribing to this BDG newsletter, you agree to our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy