A Letter To The Two-Timer And Every Guy Who Wants To Have His Cake And Eat It Too

After a lot of interesting mishaps in my college career, I thought I was on the road to a real relationship, but of course, that is just TOO MUCH to ask for these days.

Instead of being bitter and dwelling on it, I got over it rather quickly and after having collected my thoughts, I’ve come up with an incredible way to find and embrace the closure with a bang.

Without further ado, I give you the incredibly sarcastic, yet truthful letter to the two-timer.

Dearest Two-Timer,

This is, first and foremost, not a letter in which I scold you. I had a lot of fun dating you, until, well, you know, I found out that you had a girlfriend for quite some time and had to end things because of reasons that include self-respect and self-worth and you not deserving me.

Instead, I think we should just go over what you did and how you did it; how you succeeded, how you failed and what you can maybe change in the future.

What you did is not a good idea ethically, emotionally or even economically. You may have been good at keeping secrets, but now that the cat is out of the bag (well in this case, two cats are out of their designer bags), I simply want you to know that what you did was neither nice nor efficient.

First off, how does it feel to be someone's muse? How does it feel to be someone's inspiration? I can only imagine (sigh). Your lack of loyalty at least had one payoff in that sense, but let's face it: You cheated.

How can you expect a faithful relationship in the future when you are incapable of sustaining one now?

Maybe you're not about that lifestyle; maybe you're looking for a wife to cheat on you when you guys get tired after 10 years of marriage and three kids. Maybe you’re not looking for eternal happiness. Who knows?

Also, I’d like to thank you for the meals you bought me and all of the gas you wasted driving out to me. But, since I imagine you were spending time and money not just on me, but on another girl, too, you must be ballin’. It’s so selfless of you to dedicate SO much time and money to other people!

You should maybe work for some type of high intelligence agency — maybe the CIA or something very undercover and cool — because you were able to keep your stories straight all of the time.

You never fumbled on my name and you always had an alibi. Feel free to use me as a reference for those things. If that doesn't work out for you, you might have a job working for Facebook, because I am pretty sure that you may be one of the only people who still utilizes all of the privacy settings effectively.

Mark Zuckerberg should use you as a model Facebook user. The way in which you blocked all pictures and wall posts from me without it looking conspicuous is a technological success. You have a bright future ahead of you, sir.

Was I stupid? Was I naive? Did I know all along?

Eh. I think I just gave you the benefit of the doubt because USUALLY, guys who express interest in me do not already have girlfriends and secret lives, but then again, maybe that was my fault for just being so darn trusting! I'll definitely work on that and get back to you with my progress in a few months.

Dripping with sarcasm,

The Girl Who Thought Two-Timing Only Happened In Movies And On “Maury”

Photo Courtesy: We Heart It