So it seems Justin Bieber is all grown up now, and is speaking for the men of the world. I will admit, his new song, “What Do You Mean?” is a jam. I love the Biebs.
This isn’t about him; it’s about all men. This is a PSA, a “how to get through at least one year of a relationship 101,” if you will.
The song is following me. All the radio stations, Pandora and Spotify are playing it.
Recently, I found myself running on the treadmill, bopping along, but running faster than ever.
WTF, Biebs?! Maybe that hot girl in your video told you what she means and you just weren’t listening. She told you she trusted you like 900 times, and now you traumatized her in this fake kidnapping story. You would've saved yourself a lot of trouble if you had just listened.
While men may never fully understand women and women may never fully understand men, I can surely say, most of us aren’t that complicated. I can’t speak for all women (since I know some are truly insane), but I feel the need to speak up.
I know I raise my voice sometimes out of frustration. I know I can get sarcastic. However, it is mind-boggling that after a 30 minute, face-face conversation, you suddenly have Drew Barrymore "50 First Dates" syndrome overnight.
We had a full-blown conversation about this yesterday.
You nodded. You smiled. You gave me a kiss on the cheek. Were you even listening?
I pick and choose my battles. I don’t want to tell you everything you can improve on because then I’d be a nit-picky bitch. I try to drop pretty obvious hints so you can “be a great boyfriend” and do nice things for me that “I didn’t ask for.”
Here are some scenarios that might be of help in the future:
I’ll start out simple.
Scene: I am working late and haven’t had dinner yet. You tell me you are running out to Chipotle. I respond, "OMG! Chipotle sounds SO good right now. I haven’t eaten anything today."
What do I mean? I mean, I want you to offer to bring me some f*cking Chipotle with some extra of EVERYTHING.
What do you do? You respond, "Yeah. This is gonna be so good."
And you don’t offer to bring me any. Insert hangry, eye-rolling, skinny bitch Emoji here. (Someone get on making that, BTW.) No, I didn’t ask you to bring me any. Because why do I have to ask?
I offer to bring you coffee when I roll through the drive-thru on the reg. I offer to bring you dinner when I know you don’t have any. I don’t want to ask! I want you to want to offer.
Here’s another one that might be a little harder to “decode:”
Scene: We drive past a field of sunflowers. I look at you, batting my lashes, and say, "sunflowers are my favorite. I love sunflowers. Aren’t sunflowers beautiful?
Seriously. How many times can I say SUNFLOWERS?!
What do I mean? I mean I may say I don’t like flowers, but the gesture of bringing one freaking sunflower to my doorstep on a random, rainy Tuesday would make me melt.
What do you do? You send me a f*cking sunflower Emoji.
Let’s have a moment of silence.
Communication is the key to a relationship, we all know this. But do you expect me to ask you to bring me flowers? The flowers aren't even the point. It's the thought that counts.
And every day you don't get the hint, the more bitter I become. Are we learning yet? Still confused?
Let’s continue with something more difficult.
Scene: We’re cuddling and watching a movie. You start getting handsy. I smile, giggle and cutely push your hands away. Or I grab them. Or I do anything to signal it’s not happening right now.
What do I mean? Not only am I totally into this movie, I probably feel bloated, feel a UTI coming on or just feel tired and not sexy.
Please just give me a kiss on the forehead and keep watching the movie. I’ll let you know when I am in the mood.
What do you do? You ignore all of my signals and keep trying. My mood totally changes because I feel like you don’t get me or pay attention to my feelings.
Now, I have to tell you I'm gassy or have a yeast infection. Then you are grossed out and I get all, "I am woman, this is my body, don't say ew."
Then, I move to the other end of the couch.
Here’s one last example, for fun:
Scene: You didn’t show any interest in something important to me, like meeting my friends for the first time, my family, a job, a trip, whatever.
Whatever it was, you hurt my feelings. I respond with, "It’s fine."
What do I mean? LOL! I am so not over it. You hurt my feelings. We need to talk about it, but I don’t necessarily want to talk about it right this moment … because I might punch you in the dick.
Know this will probably come up again, and you will say, "But you said it was fine!" Make the effort, after I simmer down, to understand why I am upset.
Because I am — and this isn't over.
What do you do? You send me some stupid smiley Emoji, or you don’t respond. Or, you get mad at me for being mad. Then, as stated above, this comes up again two weeks later. And then, we get in a fight about it.
Make the effort at the time. Order me pizza, tuck my hair behind my ear and ask me to explain. I've probably already run through several scenarios in my head already, so I am ready for you to ask me.
I think the running theme here is we want you to try.
Make the effort. Pay attention. Buy me a burrito smothered in guac and sour cream.
I suppose we can agree to disagree.
Men will say they are simple humans, while women will say men are emotional puppy dogs who want to be pampered, cuddled and played with.
And women will say they are perfect communicators, while men will slam their heads against brick walls, singing along with Biebs on the radio.
Understanding each other takes time. But if it takes that much time, kick him to the curb.
Because if you have to say "sunflowers" that many times, then it's just not gonna happen. Say "adios," and move on to the next one.
Or just buy a dog.