So ladies, you say you want to try online dating? As a smart, educated and cool member of Gen-Y, you decide that OkCupid is the site for you.
You fill out the self-describing essays with care and a bit of whimsy with the hope that maybe, just maybe, “the one” is also on OKC and is taking the same care in selecting the same quirky descriptors. And he might be.
He totally could be. But before you find the guy who shares your inexplicable opinion that “Point Break" is the crowning cinematic jewel of the 20th century, a bunch of other weirdos will digitally assault your inbox.
To speed things along in your screening process, I’ve drafted a handy list of the five types of creeps you will have to pick through before you find true love — or at least a respectable dinner date.
1. The Sweet (But Sad) Virgin
This type of online suitor isn’t creepy, per se. These guys are not disrespectful or rude but are actually sincere and well intentioned. But, they are probably also underage, live miles away from you (and any other metropolitan area), most likely in their mother’s basement.
In 10 years, they could turn out to be, like, totally normal people. Only time will tell, but for now, my advice regarding these guys is “Sweetie, you are just too young for ladies who were born in the ’80s.
And you live forever away and I don’t have a car. Shoot for some nice chick closer to you in age — but you won’t have much luck with any female unless you remove the ComiCon photos from your profile.”
2. The Guidiots
These guys tend to hail from a place far away from you. For me (in NYC), they tend to be located in either Long Island or Jersey, but they seem to be under the impression that the distance won’t matter once you meet their sweet abs.
And you will, indeed, get a look at their sweet abs because more often than not, their profile pics are shots of them shirtless at the gym, one hand pointing at their tan abs, the other holding the ostentatious gold chain around their necks.
Another possible profile picture involves some sort of hand gesture and a guy duck face, a motorcycle, multiple tribal tattoos visible with a gold chain again, prominent. And their messages go something like “Damn grrrrrrllllllll, u r sexy! Cum over 2nite?”
My advice to these guys is “Listen fella, if you like taking gym selfies so much and the most important quality in a partner for you is the volume and intensity of her workout sessions, perhaps you should dispense with online dating altogether and just date yourself. Also, please join the rest of the literate population and expend the energy to type out 'you' and 'to.'”
3. The Polyamorous Don Juans
If you stick with OKC long enough, you'll come across gentlemen who call themselves “polyamorous.” They say this means that they “discovered a long time ago that monogamy is oppressive and just not for them, so my partner and I are free to 'explore' the boundaries of our relationship without judgment.”
But what I hear from that is “I’ve decided I don’t want to be monogamous any longer, but my live-in girlfriend doesn’t know I feel this way and she has no idea that I created this profile and wouldn’t be ok with me spending half my day actively pursuing other women on the Internet instead of walking our schnauzers.”
I will say this about these junior Anthony Wieners — they can be very charismatic, so much so that they can make you think you are wound too tightly, but that moment of self-doubt will pass and you’ll realize these guys are the delusional ones for thinking that you’d somehow be cool dating a guy who already has a mortgage and tiny dogs with someone else.
My advice to these guys? Try being honest with yourself, your partner and then the Internet — in that order.
4. The Anonymous Profiles
The faceless profiles fall into one of two categories, and it’s hard to say which is scarier for the future of society. The first type offers no profile picture or info, but the user will send you messages saying that he is married and seeking “discretion.”
I think the “D” word you are looking for, sir, is “divorce.” You are seeking a “divorce.” The second type tends to have a faceless male torso or a pair of furry handcuffs as the profile picture.
These gentlemen are looking for what I think they think is BDSM-style sex, but in reality, their intentions are questionably safe. Think more Buffalo Bill, less Christian Grey.
Their messages invariably commence with pleasantries (“Hi”) but get serious quickly (“I can tell you need a strong hand to guide you, baby girl. I’m going to make it hurt until you beg Daddy for mercy”). What can you say to these guys? Well, there’s a time and a place for everything, and the place for this is FetLife, not OkCupid.
5. The Creepo In Disguise
At some point in the exhausting message exchanging process, you will find yourself breathing a sigh of relief when you somehow stumble upon a man with a working knowledge of the English language, who actually seems somewhat interesting, relatable and respectful.
After the fourth or fifth round of messages, when you start to feel comfortable enough to ask him out for a drink, he sends you a message feigning cutesy coyness like, “I’ve been dying to ask you something. Do you mind?” You think he’s about to beat you to the punch of scheduling a meet up, so you say, “Sure.”
Then he says, “Well, it’s always been a fantasy of mine… would you ever consider letting a guy [insert porn fetish here]?” That’s what you want to ask? That’s the question that comes to your mind right after “Where are you from?” and “Where’d you go to undergrad?” Sigh...
After that, ladies, you might feel discouraged, you might feel disheartened and you might feel like Obi Wan when he says to Yoda, “That boy was our last hope.” But, keep in mind Yoda’s response: “No. There is another.”
Top Photo Courtesy: Picstopin