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Question from the reader:
I've been dating this girl recently, and something happens that simply blocks me and prevents me from even thinking of going down on her. We have an excellent mental and intellectual connection.
I admit she isn't that physically attractive to me (petite, skinny, not enough to grab on), and that I should find a woman who is appealing to me both physically and intellectually (it sounds superficial, but I'm not looking for a model, either). Yet, I have not gone down on her ever, and now she's asking me why. And I told her — rather bluntly, I'm afraid — that I find it unappealing to do it with her. She certainly thinks it is baseless and, most importantly, bullshit.
I know it's a deal-breaker, and I deserve being dumped and all, but there is something about her that isn't appealing to me. I've dated girls and loved doing it. I loved that more than anything. But I'm just not down to do it with her.
What can I do?
Thank you for your time and advice.
All the best, L
Thanks for reaching out.
I find this rather puzzling since you say, in rather graphic detail (which is fine), that you enjoy oral sex with other women so much. If this is something you really enjoy, I wonder if there is more to this than you're letting on.
Let's explore some paths to reconciliation.
I think the basic question you need to figure out is WHY you don't want to do it because your girlfriend is right, it is bullshit. It's really rude. You have to look inside yourself and figure out what the core reason repelling you from going down on her is.
You need to spend some time with yourself to figure out what is going on inside your head and with your body. You have to figure out what you want, my friend.
Our bodies don't lie to us. A lot of what we find physically arousing has to do with pheromones and chemistry. Could it be you're just not attracted to her body chemistry? Is this something you can work on? Is it something you want to work on?
When I was in college, I was hooking up with this guy who was really hot, but super dumb. Every single time we had intercourse, I would get a yeast infection. Literally, my body was rejecting him. It was saying, "FUCK NO. I DO NOT WANT THIS."
So, I stopped having sex with him because my body told me it wasn't a good idea. Sometimes bodies just don't match up. A lot of the time our emotional incompatibility manifests as a physical ailment. It's super bizarre, but it's totally true.
It seems to me that you're really seeking this woman out because you have a friendship connection and you're lonely. If you're not attracted to her physically, that sucks. But what can you do?
You have to ask yourself how important this relationship is to you, and if you're willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Trust me, there will be bigger bumps in the road than oral sex.
This lady sounds like a nice woman. She doesn't deserve this. It isn't anyone's fault, but she doesn't deserve to feel like shit because you're not down to lick her pussy. She should be with someone who likes going down on her if she enjoys that part of sexual intimacy.
What it comes down to is compromise and communication. It's great that you were so open and honest abut your feelings. That really is very mature.
If the two of you can both be happy without oral sex, maybe it could be all right. But if she wants it and is unhappy with the current circumstances, the relationship will not work. Sexual satisfaction is critical in a healthy relationship. Without a middle ground, where do you land?
Hope this helps.
Yours in lust, XOXO Auntie Gigi
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