It's Not That I Can't Find A Man To Love Me, I Can't Find A Man I Love

by Lauren Martin

She must be alone because something’s wrong with her…

There’s a fallacy women need to "attract" men. They need the perfect skirt, tempting lipstick and a good blowout. They need to be poised and intelligent, alluring and girlish. They need to be funny and witty, but not overly obnoxious.

It's the woman who needs to fit the mold of man’s dream girl; it's the woman who must capture the love of a man.

Fortunately, this isn't how it works — at least, not for all the strong women I know. By contrast, women who love themselves aren’t looking to attain a certain standard or to fit a specific mold. They aren't dressing up their sexuality and dressing down their thoughts.

They know who they are and, unfortunately for all those men out there looking for a susceptible piece of clay to mold in their calloused hands, they already love themselves.

The problem, though, is they can’t seem to find a man they're ready to love. A man who fits their standards and their ideas of a perfect partner.

A man who interests and allures them. A man they find worthy of their time and attention.

This is the new dilemma: The plight of the single woman. It’s no longer her problem, but his problem. No longer are women single because something is wrong with them. No longer do women feel alone because they're undesirable or unattractive.

Women are alone because no one else is good enough.

"I’m not worried about impressing you; I’m worried about you impressing me."

I don’t just know myself; I love myself. I'm at a point in my life where I no longer second-guess every move and every thought. I have taken the time to find out who I am and what I believe -- now, if only I could find a man with the same self-awareness.

Unfortunately, I'm only finding boys with about as much character and depth as the hero of their favorite action movie.

I need a man who isn’t in the middle of an identity crisis. A man who has a sense of worth without being an arrogant assh*le.

A man who isn’t going to just mimic my actions or bail because he can’t handle a woman who has more strength of character than he does. As of now, this man does not exist.

"I’m not worried about my views; I’m worried about yours."

I know who I am and what I’m about. You, however, I’m not so sure. I know what I stand for and what I believe. I have my ardent opinions and my unwavering views.

I’m not looking for someone with the same ones, but someone with views I can respect and learn from.

I don’t want a man who can’t hold a conversation with me. I don't want a man who doesn't have opinions on death, love and global warming.

I want a man who'll challenge and ignite passion and a fire in my soul. Someone who's dedicated and inspired.

"I’m not worried about my baggage; I’m worried about yours."

I have my sh*t under control. I have my baggage, like everyone else, but I can carry mine. I’m strong enough to bring it around without letting it weigh me down.

I’m not pulling it 5 miles behind me, tripping over it and refusing to admit it’s sitting right there.

I need a man who doesn’t come with 20 pounds of sh*t. A man who isn’t going to be thinking about his wounds and his losses. I need a man who is present, a man who learns from the past, not just drags it along.

"I’m not worried about being alone; I’m worried about being with the wrong person."

I can handle being alone; I like being alone. I’d rather be alone than acquiesce to the standards of the lonely and insecure. I stand on my own, proudly and without fear.

I won’t enter a relationship just for the sake of it -- like those women who don't know what they want so they settle for what they see.

I won’t settle for some man just because he’s better than no man. I need passion, fire and the assurance this relationship is almost as good as the one with myself — and it's a hard standard to meet.

"I’m not worried about my performance, I’m worried about yours."

I’m not worried about how I’m doing or if the night went well. I'm no longer asking my friends if I did it right or if he thinks I'm not good in bed. I’m tired of wondering if it was good for them; it’s always good for them.

What about me? What about my needs? What about making me feel the way I make you feel?

I’m looking for a man who doesn’t quit when he’s finished. I need a man who keeps going because he finds pleasure in mine — a man who doesn’t think sex is finished when he’s satisfied.