The beginning of a relationship is always BANG, CRASH, BOOM, LIGHTNING BOLTS and EPIC FIREWORKS THAT CRASH INTO YOUR BRAIN, LEAVING YOU BOTH FRIGHTENED AND THRILLED AT ONCE!
We're just wild about our partners in those first few months, aren't we, kittens?
Our nerves are perpetually shot, we're forever sick with anxiety and all we want to do is impress, impress, impress these new, glorious creatures that have penetrated our dull, boring AF lives.
I'm not gross, frizzy-haired, having-a-meltdown-on-the-couch, crying-my-eyes-out, contemplating-taking-a-Xanax Zara in front of a new girlfriend. I'm perfectly curated Zara.
We're all perfectly curated versions of ourselves in the first few months. The hair is washed. The body is moisturized with luscious creams from Sephora. Expensive designer fragrance is scandalously spritzed ~below the belt~. We're so madly turned on by this unfamiliar body we're intertwining with beneath the hot and sweaty cotton sheets that we go to great efforts to make sure the sex is mind-blowing.
And the sex is mind-blowing. It's earth-shattering. Hair-pulling. It's all we can think about when we're in boring meetings at work. We think about it when we're stuck in crowded subway car. We think about it when we're at family dinner and Uncle Tom is making bigoted comments that usually leave us full of rage.
We have just have sex, sex, sex on the brain constantly. A special sex heat exists between us and our partners, and it's madly addictive.
And all the sex and the insane effort and the grooming and the hours and hours of mind-blowing sex keeps that coveted romance alive. It's exciting. It's a phase that I never want to end.
So recently I've been asking myself, how do you maintain that amazing feeling of newness when you're in a long term relationship? Is it even possible? How can we keep the blazing fire burning, burning, burning for as long as possible?
Girls, I don't want the brilliant, exciting, honeymoon period to fade into nothing but a distant memory. I don't want to get comfortable. I want to look at my partner and be a little nervous forever.
Yes, I'm aware that I have delusions of grandeur, but just indulge me please, it's been a rough day. It's, like, 200 hundred degrees outside in Manhattan, and I'm a mascara lesbian who has no grasp on reality. This is why I take so many Ubers. I hate reality.
And my greatest reality-based fear is being in a sexless relationship where we've both let ourselves go, and in lieu of sex, we just sink into the couch recklessly eating ice cream out of the container like sisters in the throes of a morbid binge session. There is nothing sexy about a sister.
But I think I might have unlocked the secret to maintaining the excitement. And of course, it circles back to sex (doesn't it always?). You have to keep having sex. Not lazy sex. Sex with effort. Sex with kink. Sex that leaves you teeming with relentless desire.
And in order to keep the sexuality thriving, well, there are certain things you just don't want to get in the habit of doing in front of your partner.
Look, obviously we're going to do SOME OF THEM (like leave our psychotropic drugs on the counter and pick the occasional booger), but we should at least TRY not to do all of them (especially going to the bathroom in front of them. There is no need for that and we have plenty of friends to pee in front of.).
Here are 28 things your partner just doesn't need to see you doing:
- Pee or do anything else bathroom related.
- Scratch your eczema until it BLEEDS.
- Take your liquid probiotic (they will instantly think of your digestion problems and there is nothing sexy about your digestive issues.).
- Put cream hair removal on your mustache and walk around the apartment carrying on as usual with it on.
- Leave your laptop out with UNCLEARED history. He or she doesn't need to know about the freaky amateur porn you watch or the weird diseases you WebMD because you're a hypochondriac. Save that for after the wedding.
- Leave your psychotropic drugs out on your kitchen counter in shameless view. Trust me, it's a moment killer when you have your Xanax, Zoloft, Prozac, Ambien, Wellbutrin and emergency Klonopin sitting on the counter. They don't need to know how crazy you are... right away.
- Pop your retainer into your mouth when you're in sexy lingerie before sex.
- ORGASM WITH A RETAINER STILL IN YOUR MOUTH.
- Walk out of the shower with a towel turban on. Wet hair is sexy. Towel turbans are not sexy.
- Have a complete and total psychotic break that involves screaming FUCK YOU at your mirror reflection.
- Tweeze your nipple hair.
- Pick your boogers out of your nose.
- Pick your boogers out of your nose and then eat them.
- Slather on prescription ointment all over your plethora of rashes.
- Masturbate while you think they're "sleeping."
- Read self-help books like "Excuse Me Your Life Is Waiting" or "Battlefield Of The Mind."
- Sage the apartment to get rid of the "bad energy." Do that shit in private, babe.
- Cast spells.
- Sing anything from a broadway musical.
- LEAVE YOUR TAMPON JUST LAYING IN THE TRASH WITH BLOOD ON IT.
- The insane text messages about them that we send to our friends. Example: "I JUST LOVE THE WAY SHE/HE BREATHES WHEN SHE/HE IS SLEEPING."
- Run your fingers across your prickly, hairy legs.
- Scream at your mother on the telephone.
- Ask your dad for money on the telephone.
- BE A MULTIFACETED HUMAN BEING WITH BODILY FUNCTIONS, FEELINGS AND A BRAIN. THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT. BEING A HUMAN BEING IS NOT SEXY.