What To Do When You Want More From A Guy Who Isn't Ready For A Relationship

by Danielle Deming

Everyone's been in this position. It's the beginning of something new, and you either can't stop looking at each other in public settings, or you find excuses to text one another.

That initial butterfly-chasing, curiosity-brimming feeling is one you can't escape. So, you don't.

Then, you take the plunge. This is the ultimate first step toward something, whether that's a first kiss or more. The person is crossing the boundary you made in order to separate the hopefuls from the hopeless. Then what? You have "the talk."

This is the talk of our generation. It's the, “Hey, let's keep it easy. I really can't be in a relationship right now.” It could even be, “I have just been hurt a lot, so let's take it slow, OK?”

It's all absolutely reasonable. If only your heart was a reasonable organ. The problem is, you start to fantasize anyway. It's nearly impossible not to. You start by thinking just a few months in advance, like asking him to be your date to a friend's wedding. As things go well, you begin to think of the possibility of your own wedding.

He tells you how much you calm him down. You bring sunshine to his day, or you make his life better by just being in it. You spend a lot of time together.

But for you, it doesn't seem like enough. You hold on to his words and learn patience. You bide your time, and you think the words and feelings he shares build the foundation for something more.

Yet, there is something off. He still holds you at arm's length, even though you're clearly interested in more. He tells you he just needs his independence, or that he is still shell-shocked from his last relationship.

But what about you? You are ready for something more than he offers. You start to overanalyze everything. Are his words true, or are they just excuses?

Well, nine times out of 10, they are always excuses. These men are what I like to call “warm ups.” They want to be in love, and they can easily see you're lovable. Hell, they even tell you that at times.

However, they are just not ready to take on someone of your caliber, whether they know it or not. It's not your fault. I repeat: It's not your fault.

So many women out there need to be reminded that they're fascinating, wild, intelligent and beautiful people, just as those guys say they are. They see what you are in the best light possible because they aren't looking for the flaws. But because you're that kind of woman, you also need to see that these are not the kinds of men you want to hold on to forever.

These men can give you what you want, but not what you need. We have to be honest with ourselves, but we kind of always knew that.

There was always some excuse, or there was even just a nagging instinct that he's not giving you all he can. That is the worst feeling of them all. But, don't forget that you have just as much of a say in this as he does.

If you are unhappy, tell him. If he doesn't react with care and compassion, you shouldn't waste your time anyway. If he does, but feels he isn't ready for what you're looking for, then cordially part ways and wish each other well. If he can't appreciate who you are right now, he never will.

It's an instantaneous feeling when you fall in love. You don't have a choice in the matter. So, if you must control every angle, that love is not everlasting. That's absolutely OK.

You will be loved, my dear. Women like us always are. The best part is, we will have that great love everyone hopes for because we're already halfway there. So keep your head up, and kiss your lovers on the cheek as you pass by.