How To Deal When You Actually Miss Your Ex, Not Just The Idea Of Him

by Lindsey Lazarte
Jovana Vukotic

With the abundance of articles written about love and the loss of love, I've noticed one common theme throughout most of these articles: the author just wants readers to get over their losses and move on already. But for writers to urge their readers not to feel a certain way is ill-advised.

The thing I admire about the influx of online storytelling and the sharing of personal narratives is that people are able to take a peak into a small window of someone else's life.

People really do have stories behind why they are the way that they are. On any given day, a person's mood and reaction toward a situation is based on the events leading up to that particular day.

For a writer, it's easier to generalize advice to the public rather than take into consideration what the reader is actually going through.

So, I say this in response to the many articles that claim that you just miss the "idea" of someone, not actually him or her: I really do miss him, not just the “idea” of him.

I understand that it can be a simple speculation for someone to say that a person misses an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend purely because that person doesn't want to be single and alone. I get that. There really are a lot of people who just aren't good at being single and alone.

And honestly, I'm not afraid to admit I'm one of those people. Throughout my life, I've hardly gone for long periods of time without having a boyfriend or dating someone.

I'm a relationship person, and I dread the idea of being single. I enjoy choosing just one person, sticking with that person and sharing loving memories with just that person.

And with my last relationship, I truly and deeply fell hard for the person, not just the idea of him. When I met him, I wasn't looking to get into a relationship. In fact, I was the exact opposite.

Before meeting him, I had given up on the idea that I was going to be in a relationship any time soon. Of course, it's usually when you least expect it when fate steps in and turns your entire world upside down by throwing that person in your life.

The time I spent with him wasn't time I freely gave away just to avoid being alone. Our relationship was hardly a walk in the park. It was complicated and messy, and we often drove each other nuts.

But no matter how difficult it was, I stayed with him because I really loved him. And when it was good, it was really good.

We had the same sense of humor, we could talk about almost anything, we loved all of the same things and we loved being around each other. We made so many memories together, and I wouldn't trade any of them for the world.

That is why, when we broke up, it felt like a piece of me was ripped away. In the months that we've been broken up, I've been in the very frustrating process of healing. During this healing process, I still had given a shot at dating.

I tried casually spending time with other guys, but it inevitably dissipated due to the lack of real chemistry. Shortly after my failed attempts at connecting with anyone, I just completely stopped trying to talk to guys all together and have been doing so for quite some time now.

The thing is, it's not because I miss the “idea” of my ex-boyfriend; it's because I actually miss my ex-boyfriend. I miss the person I fell in love with. I miss my best friend.

I miss how easily we got along and how we could do anything together, whether it was vegging out and watching television sitcoms or taking a weekend trip somewhere. I miss him. I hate to admit it, but I do.

It would be much easier if I really did just miss the “idea” of him because if that were the case, then I would have happily settled for any other random schmuck. But, that's not the case.

And so, I end this in lieu of all the articles that are urging you to just get over you ex quickly; it's OK to miss him or her. It's OK to take as much time as you need to grieve. When it comes to getting over an ex, everyone goes at his or her own pace.

Now, I'm not saying it's healthy to lock yourself indoors and become a hermit until you are completely healed.

In reality, sometimes we never completely get over someone, but that's life. We just have make peace with it, accept it and keep living our lives, even if it means that person isn't there to be a part of it.