I’m old enough now that half my friends are engaged and the other half don’t know what happened last night.
Quite honestly, it’s f*cking weird.
Some people already know who they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Meanwhile, I’m over here trying to figure out which frozen meal I’m going to have for dinner.
Real talk: How am I supposed to marry one person when I can’t even tolerate a nail polish color for longer than a week?
These are the things I ask myself at 4 am.
When I was younger, the idea of marriage never intimidated me. As far as I was concerned, it was just something you did.
You grew up, got married, had kids and died.
Sure, by the end of elementary school, I fake-married a handful of future f*ckboys, but I was never one of those God-awful pieces of sh*t who knew what shade of white her dress was going to be.
I was that gender-ambiguous nymph, rolling around in the mud, resisting the urge to break things and eat dirt.
Back then, life was simple.
I’m sure some girls grow up going to lots of weddings, but I can only recall one. It was my aunt’s. It took place on a farm and the bride and groom rode in on horseback.
It was a beautiful ceremony that ended in divorce. But quite frankly, I gave zero f*cks about her marriage.
I just wanted that f*cking horse.
But maybe that’s how you know if you’re still too much of a child at heart to get married: when you’re rather have a horse than a husband.
Not much has changed for me. To this day, I spend more time daydreaming about the furniture and animals I’ll have, rather than my wedding dress.
My mom prays my feelings toward marriage will get resolved. Until then, here are seven reasons why marriage scares the sh*t out of me:
1. It could end.
Growing up in Los Angeles, I would say more than half of my friend’s parents were divorced. What was worse was when I’d ask my mom “why.”
She’d never have a good reason. It seemed like every failed marriage had the same cop out answer: “It just didn’t work out.”
It just didn’t work out? F*ck that.
I don’t want to be that person who gets divorced and has to explain to the child why I don’t love daddy anymore.
"Listen kid, it’s not your fault. Your dad’s just a fat, lazy piece of sh*t who spends more of his time on Pornhub than looking for a job."
2. I don’t know if I want to change my last name.
Maybe this is just the feminist inside me, but why should I change my name?
I get your life changes after marriage, but it’s my f*cking name and I don’t know if I want to change it. Sorry.
I don’t like the idea that once you put a ring on it, the law recognizes you as an extension of your husband.
Mr. and Mrs. So-and-so.
Maybe you should take my last name because I’m f*cking awesome.
Not to mention, I’ve spent the last 20-plus years working damn hard to build my reputation with this name.
I’m not just going to give that up because I’m stuck with you until one of us dies first.
Shouldn’t that be punishment enough?
3. I’ll never be single again.
I know this is a very non-womanish thing to say (not trying to conform to gender norms here), but I like being single.
Yeah, you heard me.
Sure, I like being in committed relationships, but the single life has its benefits.
I like my space. I like having a clean apartment.
I like doing what I want, when I want, with whomever I want.
I don’t want to have to check in and justify my actions with another person.
If I want to spend my Sunday eating ice cream, watching a live-stream of puppies and online shopping for things I can’t afford, I will very damn well do as I please, sir.
On a serious note, the months following a breakup are when you experience true growth.
It’s when someone sees the worst in you, doesn't want to see you again and finds someone with less baggage.
Sure, it hurts. But it becomes clear what areas of your character are in need of improvement.
Take for example, the bitchy grin you make when you know you’re right.
Let’s face it: You almost always are.
4. What if I made a mistake?
Haven’t you ever thought you were madly in love with someone and then suddenly lost interest? I have.
What if I wake up one day next to hubby and decide, “You know what? You’re unpleasant, and I don’t like you.”
Or worse, what if he shows his true colors after marriage?
Here I thought I settled for a nice man who could make an honest living, and then bam! Out of nowhere, he suddenly become a verbally abusive, selfish douchebag.
There’s also the possibility I only agreed to marry him because he asked me.
Chances are, I would say yes unless I had a good reason not to.
Then again, he can't be too bright if he proposed to me.
5. His problems become mine.
See, it’s okay to date people who are f*cked up. You just can’t marry them.
Bad boys are a lot of fun, but they are engineered to break your heart.
There’s also the other end of the spectrum, where it's almost refreshing to meet someone more screwed up than I am.
Every now and then, I'll call my parents after a date with a psycho to thank them for not completely f*cking me up.
All that freedom to walk away disappears when you sign on that dotted line.
Your significant other isn’t good with money? There goes your credit.
He’s as dumb as a box of rocks? Your kids may be, too.
He’s ugly as sh*t? Start saving up for your children’s plastic surgery fund.
He has jealous tendencies? Guess what, you’re going to spend the rest of your life sending him photo confirmations that you are not cheating on him with Walter the Rite Aid cashier.
6. I can’t just think about myself anymore.
I know this sounds obvious, but take a moment to think about all the times you’ve broken something off with someone because you see your lives heading in different directions.
Until you get married, life is all about you.
In every relationship, marriage or not, you make sacrifices. That said, until you’re married, life is about figuring out what’s going to make you happy for the next 60-plus years.
Whether it's your career or your sexual conquests, you should figure out what you need from a relationship before you rush into marriage.
When you get married, you’re technically part of a team.
So be prepared to act like a team player.
7. My spouse becomes my one and only. Literally.
Whenever I’m unsatisfied with someone I’m talking to (ahem, not exclusively dating), I find what I need somewhere else. Whether it's emotional or physical, there'll always be someone.
Like my friend’s grandmother always says, "There are two things in life you should never chase: a man and a bus. Another one will be coming shortly."
Unfortunately, you can’t just do that when you’re married. Ethically, at least.
It goes against some of the only morals I have.
So, what do you do if your partner is neglecting your physical and emotional needs? Do you just peruse the Adam & Eve website and use his credit card to spite him?
I don’t know, man. Does it count as infidelity if it has batteries?
Time will tell.
As with anything, marriage has its ups and downs.
My parents are still married, and it doesn’t seem too awful. I guess, more than anything, I’m afraid of the sort of devastation I may encounter if my marriage falls apart.
While I come off a cynic, I’m really a hopeless romantic at heart. I would be destroyed if all my time, energy and devotion were invested in vain.
These fears are legitimate, but shouldn’t be enough to stop a marriage if it’s with the right person.
You have to decide if the person is worth it because let’s face it: Marriage isn’t easy.
It probably has as many cons as it does pros. A good marriage takes work and compassion.
If you lack either, your marriage is as good as failed.
I know I have a lot of growing up to do before I tie the knot with anyone.
For me, I’ll know I’m ready to say “I do” when it’s clear to me I want the husband over the horse.