What Happens When You're With The Love Of Your Life, But Are Still Insecure

by Laura Yates

It's completely normal to feel insecure in life. It happens to everyone, even the most ballsy and confident people out there. But if you're feeling consistently insecure in your relationships, chances are, you're on a roller coaster of highs and lows. You can never fully relax or be yourself because you are busy doing everything in your power to keep your significant other. Your relationship is the only thing that validates you and makes you feel good about yourself.

I had spells of insecurity in my relationships, but it was when I was in the relationship with the guy I loved the most that insecurity reared its full-blown, ugly head. This relationship seemed to heighten all the insecurities I had. It fed them. Yet, I thought if he did something differently or didn't act in a certain way, then these problems would be fixed. I thought my insecurities would disappear like magic, and I would turn into the person I know I could be.

Well, obviously that didn't happen. The thing was, that person did things that rubbed salt into my wounds of insecurity. But, I couldn't step outside of my insecurity and see that I needed to address what was really going on within myself. I wasn't strong enough to walk away from something that exasperated my insecurities. I stayed in this perpetual state of thinking that my insecurity would be diminished by something outside of myself.

I still have insecurities now. I'm only human, but I can now recognize that a big part of why I felt so insecure in that relationship was because I lost sight of myself. I dimmed the light on my hobbies, purpose, passions and interests. Along with that went the best part of my personality and self-worth.

When you have a strong sense of self and what makes you tick outside of the relationship, you don't need validation from your partner. You get fulfillment from all the other things you engage in. You also become a lot more fun and relaxed while in the relationship.

The next thing you should do is identify if you're in a relationship with someone who feeds your insecurities. We have to take responsibility for ourselves, but if you are with someone who only seems to prey on the things you feel so insecure about, it probably means this person has issues of his or her own. Either way, it isn't a healthy situation to be in. A relationship should be about two people playing on the team same, not trying to control, manipulate or play emotional mind games with one another.

Another thing I've learned is you have to find a way to be less reactive. Instead of lashing out in those moments of insecurity and becoming the jealous girlfriend or boyfriend, just take some time to breathe instead. When you find a way to be more mindful on a daily basis, you react far less to your emotions.

You think about things rationally before you act. You get perspective on whether you're overreacting or if this really is an isolated issue that needs to be dealt with. Being reactive, jealous, controlling, moody or constantly needing reassurance can all be ways insecurities can grimly manifest. They can ultimately push your partner away.

When you're feeling insecure in a relationship, it's also wise to look back through your relationship history and see if you've experienced these feelings before. It can be so easy to leap from one relationship to the next, thinking everything will be better in the next one. It means we don't have to fess up as to why we feel the things we feel. But, if there is anything that will heighten our insecurities (even with the most amazing person for us out there), it's the closeness and safety of a relationship. They reignite old feelings from the past and seem to amp up the voice of our inner critic.

It can be so damn easy to place the blame on ex-partners. You think, "No wonder I'm insecure. I've always ended up with the wrong guys and wound up hurt." You think the knight in shining armor riding on a unicorn will be the one who makes everything OK. He won't. You have to take responsibility for your part in those past relationships.

Getting over your insecurities is about having boundaries. Did you always end up hurt because your over-analytical or over-the-top actions pushed people away? Or, did you just always go for the wrong people who fueled your insecurities, yet you chose to stay? In either case, where are your boundaries? What is your filtering process? Combating insecurities is so much about having a strong understanding of your boundaries and cultivating the strength to act on them.

It never feels good to be insecure in a relationship. No one wants to be that guy or gal with issues. While having insecurities in life is normal, the more you completely ignore them and think everything will eventually be OK, the worse they will get. You'll drown in them. Do the work on yourself, put your boundaries in place and take some time to get really introspective.