The Losing Battle: Why Men Can Never Win

Men go through cycles. Step 1: being single. One of the greatest positions a guy can be in, other than the power bottom, is being single- especially when living in a densely female populated area such as New York or Moscow.

Being single in the city is like being the only kid in a theme park; so many different rides to choose from that you don’t know whether you want to hop on the blonde or the brunette first- I mean the Ferris Wheel or the Tilt-A-Whirl.

Picking up women in the city is literally the easiest thing in the world- for one simple reason: they’re easy. Maybe not all of them, but the majority of them. And it’s not a bad thing at all.

Us guys are easy too. It gets to the point where not bringing home a woman leaves you feeling like the night was… off. It makes you start to wonder if you had spinach in your teeth all night or something similarly repulsive.

Living the life of whoredom is a beautiful thing- for a while. But then, like everything else, it gets old. Real quick. We start to think that we may finally be ready for a relationship. We start imagining how nice it must be to have someone you can tell all of your dirty little secrets to and to vent to every time you have a shitty day.

We even start to think that it may be rather nice to sleep with the same woman every night- just think of all the kinky stuff she’ll let you do a few months down the line. You’ll find a whole new use for your electric toothbrush.

So, we find ourselves a keeper. A nice girl. Beautiful, smart, and a ton of fun to be around. We have a great time for months. We talk every day- mostly through random texts and sexts. We buy each other gifts for the holidays, birthdays, and other random special occasions. Things start to get a bit more serious. We meet the friends, the sisters, the brothers, and inevitably the parents.

But then something weird happens. Something that we somehow never expect although we have gone through the same process countless times in the past: the fog clouding our eyesight gives way and suddenly we can see clearly again.

We start noticing how hot our new next-door neighbor is. We start fantasizing about the curvy redhead we bump into at the water cooler twice a day. We start finding ourselves contemplating over how the women in the city have all of a sudden gotten so much hotter then they have been in years- their legs have all grown 3 inches in length. And then it hits us like Chris Brown’s fist hitting Rihanna’s face- it would be so much fun to be single again.

That feeling of nostalgia comes over you, bringing with it all those countless pairs of tatas you had the pleasure of watching bounce around and all those bubbly butts you left your handprint and teeth marks on. And so you make a decision to cut loose from the ball and chain holding you down.

The girl that was your world for months will find herself another guy and bounce back in no time- you’re sure of that. You’re also sure that you will enjoy getting back into the game- pronto. And of course, you are right. As soon as guys get back into the game, they are once again having the time of their lives.

Until- that is- that time comes when we once again feel that we need, or are ready for, a relationship. Idiots. You’ll just be back hoeing around a few months down the line.

And this is the ruthless cycle that all men fall victim to. There is no way out of it and no way around it: we will always want to fuck beautiful women. Not just one beautiful woman; all of them. Living in a city where you can just as easily treat yourself to an assorted buffet as you can treat yourself to a smorgasbord of assorted ladies, it is near impossible to settle down.

But it has to be done eventually, right? Or maybe we can just keep pimpin’ for life? No matter what we eventually do decide to do- it won’t be easy and it won’t come naturally. We are cursed to fall victim to the cycle until the day our number is up.

Paul Hudson | Elite.