Things To Look Forward To After Getting Dumped
So, you just got dumped.
That sucks... No, seriously. I'm not even being sarcastic. That really sucks.
I'm sure you've spent more than enough time thinking about all of the ways in which this particular situation really freaking sucks. So I'm here to point out to you the ways that it doesn't suck.
The silver linings are far and few between, but they exist.
Keep in mind that while yes, being dumped is the actual worst, at least you have these things to look forward to in your newly single life:
1. Going weeks without shaving or waxing.
You can enjoy that extra layer of furry warmth now that you don't have BAE's arms to hold you.
2. Finally being able to admit everything that was wrong with your ex.
When you were dating him, you chose to ignore the fact that he was a stubborn, low-key racist with definite anger management issues.
But he's not your boyfriend anymore! Time to accept and internalize everything that was wrong with him, and move on.
When you were dating him, you chose to ignore the fact that he was a stubborn, low-key racist.
3. Having the bed all to yourself.
No more clinging onto the inch of space you have on your side with no sheets to keep you warm. YOU'VE GOT THE WHOLE BED TO YOURSELF, BABY.
4. Being able to relate to every mopey breakup song on the radio.
Suddenly, you've joined this club of scorned, heartbroken people who all feel and understand your pain. Time to blast some empowering breakup songs and EMBRACE it.
Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone" will do the trick, but here's a playlist for you to jam to.
5. Being able to relate to Elle Woods in the beginning of "Legally Blonde."
When I saw "Legally Blonde" with my dad at the Kabuki Theater in San Francisco for the first time at the ripe age of eight years old, I couldn't wait to be broken up with.
You get to cry, sit in bed, watch movies and scream at the TV while eating Bonbons, and your friends write you nice notes?! SIGN ME UP.
Not to mention the fact that Elle comes back fiercer than ever and shows Warren WHO'S BOSS. From zero to hero — if that's not breakup goals, IDK what is.
6. Calling the shots on all of your plans.
What's on the agenda for tonight? WHATEVER THE HECK YOU WANNA DO. THE WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER!
No more splitting your time between his friends and yours, his place and yours, his family and yours. YOU'RE FREE.
7. Playing the field.
No more being tied down to one guy. Time to play the field!
Go on a date with that cute guy from Bumble! Hook up with that hot guy at work and never talk to him again! Make out with that weird guy at the bar and laugh about it with your friends the next day! LIVE. IT. UP.
8. Not wasting time with someone who clearly didn't appreciate your awesomeness.
I don't care how great your relationship was or how in love with you he so obviously was. The fact of the matter is, he dumped you.
And anyone who really, really understood how great you are would never do such a thing. You already wasted enough precious time of your life on this tool. It's time to move on and find someone who appreciates how cool you really are.
9. Never having to check in with anyone.
YOUR LIFE. YOUR RULES.
10. Saving data by having no one to text non-stop.
No more incessant chatter throughout the day. Obviously, you'll miss having someone who genuinely wants to hear about every detail of your day, but JUST THINK OF ALL THE MONEY YOU'RE SAVING ON DATA CHARGES.
11. Girls' nights on girls' nights on girls' nights.
At the end of the day, your girls always have your back. Go out and enjoy some time with your DAY ONES.
12. Learning who your real friends are.
Time to differentiate the fair-weather friends from the ride-or-dies. Who's there for you when you're crying in bed eating Bonbons and screaming at the TV?
13. Everyone being extra nice to you because they feel bad.
You were just DUMPED. Everybody feels bad for you, and that rocks! Take advantage of the hugs, the coddling and the check-in texts — they're not going to last forever.
14. Being selfish.
Usually, in life, it's unacceptable to be a selfish jerk. But you're going through one of those rare phases when you get a little bit of a hall pass.
Time to put yourself FIRST and do whatever the frick it is you feel like doing without caring what anyone else wants to do.
15. Figuring out who the eff you are on your own.
You've been part of a relationship for awhile now. Time to figure out who you are without him.