Relationships are about trust, but they’re also about deceit. Lots and lots of deceit.
We can’t help it; relationships are a balancing act requiring a precise amount of honesty and bullsh*t. They need varying degrees of attention and distance with paralleling levels of trust and envy. They're about sharing and caring along with hiding and lying.
Being close with someone means being vulnerable. It’s like swinging on a cool hammock over the ledge of a cliff -- it’s terrifyingly comfortable.
It's a place that makes us a little crazy and, sometimes, a lot sketchy. We become master manipulators, top-notch detectives and brilliant f*cking liars. This time, however, we're lying out of love.
We lie because we have to. We lie because the truth can hurt. We lie because we care. And if you think your relationship isn’t standing on a foundation of millions of tiny, little lies, you’re just lying to yourself.
How many of your friends you’ve hooked up with
Whether it was drunk, sober or just for two months, what they don't know won't hurt them, and what they do will just make them hate your friends.
He’s the biggest you’ve ever had
He may not be the biggest, but right here, right now, he is. He's the only guy you’re with, so he’s the only one you’re comparing him to.
What you really think of his/her friends
Whether you think her best friend is actually really hot or his best friend is a total douchebag, you’ll never let on. For now, all your partner thinks is you don’t think about his/her friends.
How you really wanted to spend the weekend
If he spent all Saturday pretending he actually enjoyed the mall, then you’d spend all Sunday pretending you gave a sh*t about football.
How long it takes you to get ready
He doesn’t need to know you spent an hour on your hair and, unfortunately, you did not wake up like that. If beauty is an illusion, let yours keep up the smoke and mirrors.
How intense your last relationship was
Whether you were engaged, living together or just had amazing sex, none of that needs to be known. You have an ex and everything about them is just white noise.
The platonic date he/she doesn’t need to know about
Whether it was a work dinner with a hot client or coffee with a coworker, sometimes the best thing you can say is absolutely nothing… if it really was just nothing.
Your ex was not hotter
It doesn’t matter if she looked like Gisele Bündchen or he had a build like Tom Brady, your ex will always be less attractive than the one you adore now.
How much you actually work out
Your partner doesn’t need to know when you say you’re going to the gym you’re really just eating donuts on your treadmill on speed level 3.
How often you shower
There’s a reason men don’t know about dry shampoo…
How much you spent on his/her birthday present
Money is something you don't always need to discuss. Whether you spent $100 or $10, it's about the thought, not the price tag.
How much hair you actually have
It's called shaving the truth...
How often you wash your clothes
Your partner says he/she loves how you smell, so you don't want to take it away from him/her.
How often you think about him/her
Just all day. Every second of every minute. Every minute of every hour. And every time you hear something that reminds you of him/her -- which is almost anything.
What really happened on girls' night out
What happens during a night out is supposed to remain out of the conversation. Unless you're cheating on him/her -- then maybe you should talk about it.
How big that pimple is
Even if its taken over his/her face, the only thing you're supposed to say about it is, "What pimple?"
The fart you didn't hear
Silence is golden, even if it's deadly.
How much you love the food he/she cooked for you
Even if it makes you throw up, just say it was "bad milk" from yesterday. Definitely not the Gatorade-infused pasta.
Clogging the toilet
Uh, something's wrong with your toilet -- all this poo is coming up from like two weeks ago...
How much you actually love him/her back
You try and play it cool, but inside you’re dying to tell him/her how much you think, talk and dream about him/her. Your partner is your reason for being and the light of your life — but for now, you’ll just say, "I love you, too."