Why I Can't Let Go Of Jealousy, As Told By Someone Ruining His Relationship
Why do I get so jealous every time I'm with someone new?
Does he really truly love me? Why has he not replied to my message I sent him five minutes ago?
What is he doing? Is he talking to someone else? Does he still think about his ex?
As each question pulses through my mind, my heart races at what feels like 100 beats per minute. Is this love, or am I just afraid of losing him?
It's like I'm sinking helplessly down a deep and bottomless chasm. I can feel myself falling, but I can't pick myself up.
Jealousy is the worst and most bitter emotion. It eats you up and consumes you. It becomes your world while you merely just exist within its presence.
You overthink and overanalyze until you can't think any more. Your chest grows tighter and tighter with each anxious heartbeat, each thud growing more breathtakingly painful.
It's the most irritating and agonizing feeling ever. I am literally left breathless at the thought of him cheating on me, and it consumes the very fabric of my being.
I don't know who I am anymore. All I think about is him and the relationship.
The voices in my head exaggerate every small and minute situation, and even my boyfriend going to the toilet turns into a battlefield of emotions.
Is he going to message someone else while he is in the bathroom? Is he going to delete the messages while he is flushing the toilet, so I won't be able to view them?
I wait impatiently outside the bathroom door, with that look he knows so very well.
And it's all because I can't stand the thought of him being with another, and that he dared to have a past before me.
I wake up from another restless night, falling immeasurably deep into excruciating jealousy.
These feelings of anger, resentment and misery do not change the heart of others, but as I lie here wrecked with pain and mental suffering, I'm afraid my jealousy will push him away.
How many more times can he repeat that the others before me meant nothing?
My curiosity always gets the best of me, wanting to know every little detail from his past and what he done with them. Each detail destroys me more and more, yet I still ask the questions.
Did he kiss them the way he kisses me? Did he cuddle them the way he cuddles me?
Did he give them that look that drives me crazy? Did he tell them he loved them, and did he really mean it?
The inadequacy I feel is palpable, even with his softening words of encouragement and reinsurance that I am the only one for him. Yet, part of me still can't get over the fact that before me, his heart belonged to another.
The anguish and heartache I feel is unimaginable, but for me, every day I am with him, it is my reality.
I feel like that I am worthless and that he could do so much better. What does he even see in me, when I look and feel so hideously ugly?
He is all I could ever have imagined, but am I all he ever wanted? I'm lost in the darkened shadow of his past lovers and exes, feeling useless and obsolete.
It's torture. All the "what ifs" and "if onlys" cloud my thoughts.
I can't get over the potential that he could whisper, "I love you" to someone else. Even with his hands around my waist, I still don't feel good enough for him.
I know these feelings aren't right, but they're all I've ever known.
When I love him, I love hard, even if it slowly kills me inside.