Dear Straight Girls,
I’m sorry to break it to you, but there’s a little thing you do that annoys us lady lovers to no end. We won't stop being your friend or anything — it’s not that big of a deal. But, we do need to clear up a few things:
If I had a dollar for every time a straight girl said to me, “I just wish I was a lesbian!” I wouldn’t necessarily be a rich girl, but I’d absolutely have a few extra bucks in my pocket.
I hear it when boyfriends do things that are a bit "dickish," and if a breakup is involved, it's even worse, sending the women into monstrous, man-hating modes.
You’re convinced that the root cause was some inherently masculine trait, something that comes with having a Y chromosome. This warped view may make you feel like dating a woman is a much better choice.
You put us "magical lesbians" up on a pedestal. You think we’d be more understanding, and we’d listen to you and be all of the other things about which Beyoncé croons in "If I Were A Boy."
Again, I’m sorry to break it to you, ladies, but it’s just not true. Unfortunately, I must dispel some of the myths you hold true regarding what it’s like to date a woman.
So, here’s why you probably don't want to be a lesbian after all:
Women can be dogs, too
Let’s take a trip to your local gay bar over the weekend. Look around, and I’m sure the sheer amount of "dyke drama" you witness will surprise you.
There’s a pouty girl over there, all melancholy, while her girlfriend flirts with the hot barmaid. Then, there’s a Shane-alike making her rounds, moving from one girl to the next, until she finds someone with whom to go home.
There’s a couple arguing about the romp one of them had with her ex,who also happens to be her best friend and her partner’s cousin. (The community is smaller than you might think and a bit incestuous at times, too.)
So, along with the fun, frivolity and frolics, there are fights and more than a few falling-outs. I kid you not, I once saw a girl leap over a table screaming, “Stop staring at my missus!” in what appeared to be a testosterone-fuelled rage.
Women can be dogs, too. They can be players and play games. They can be cheaters and manipulative and mean and many other things you might imagine would bring about the downfall of a straight relationship.
So, despite what you might want to believe, lesbians aren’t simply born to be empathizing love-droids with tenderness encoded into their DNA.
Two periods means less sexy time
There’s no nicer way to say it, so I’ll just be blunt: We likely kid ourselves when we were younger that our periods synced up with our best friends, giving us an everlasting blood bond with our sisters from other misters.
But, this idea hasn’t been proven as scientific fact and is still largely believed to be a myth.
For women in same-sex relationships, this means every single month of the year, you’re treated to a double dose of PMS. Even worse, for almost half the month, you can’t have hot, saucy, girl-on-girl sex. Thank you, Mother Nature.
We are quite the spectacle
Every woman on the planet has had the experience of being approached by some desperate, sweaty guy, despite the fact that she's just trying to have some fun with her girls.
Or, even better, a guy might just grab your booty when you walk by and expect you to turn around and say, “Thanks for that. I want to sleep with you now.”
Well, you know what’s worse than one hot girl? Two hot girls who are together and aren’t interested in the slightest. Then, it becomes the ultimate challenge because pulling a pair of lesbians would, of course, earn you a most coveted award: the holy grail of laddish behavior.
Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard countless tales of lesbians being ogled at. But, that lecherousness isn’t always the worst of it. Even if guys (and girls, might I add) aren’t interested in a sexual way, they’re still curious. They enjoy watching lesbians in their natural habitats.
To be honest, I’d rather it be like when straight couples make out in the street -- as in, pretty boring.
Women are emotional creatures
Obviously, it’s a good thing women are emotional, sensitive beings (because we’re the best). We are sensitive to the good stuff, too, which means we can appreciate a fine work of art or get super involved in what’s happening on "The X Factor."
But, the sensitive side of a woman also means things tend to move quickly in lesbian relationships, hence the old lesbian joke, "What do lesbians bring on a second date? A U-Haul."
Think about it this way: A guy is likely forget an argument about 10 minutes after the fact, but a woman will pretend to have forgotten about it -- only to bring it up weeks later at your cousin’s engagement party.
It’s harder to find love (and get laid)
Essentially, lesbians have a much smaller pool of potential partners from which to choose, be it for a one-night thing or for the rest of our lives.
Our straight allies sometimes try to set us up. But, just because we’re both into girls doesn’t mean we’ll be into each other, despite how much you may want us to fall madly in love and spend the rest of our lives sharing tampons and painting each other’s toenails.
Just because you’re a lesbian doesn’t automatically mean you only fancy other lesbians!
Sure, we might get that elusive straight girl into bed one night using our charming and magical lesbian ways, but she only wants to sleep with us because she's just broken up with her boyfriend and is thinking, “I just wish I was a lesbian!”
D’oh! I do believe we’ve come full circle here.
So, do you still think lesbians have it better? I don’t think a lesbian relationship or a straight one or any other kind is better than any other. They’re all just different.
I certainly wouldn’t give up being a lesbian for the world — women are just too hot! And, I certainly wouldn’t go around saying, “I just wish I was straight!” every time a girl broke my heart. So, stop saying you want to be like us, straight girls!