The Worst Ways To Start A Conversation

by Ally Batista

Conversation is a huge part of all of our days. Good conversation stimulates the brain, can make you laugh, put you in a good mood, pass the time, etc. Of course, with everything else, there are two sides. There’s plenty awful, awful conversations that can happen and any time you hear any of these conversation starters…. You’ll know that you’re in for it.

We need to talk.

Never in the history of the world has something positive followed the statement “We need to talk.” If that person were going to share some positive news with you they would simply come out and say it rather than dropping a bomb on you with the worst sentence ever.

If your boyfriend or girlfriend is beginning a conversation with “We need to talk” you’re most definitely getting dumped, have gotten cheated on, or they caught you in a lie and you’re fucked.

I’m late.

I really shouldn’t even have to elaborate on this. If your girlfriend, or even some random girl you really don’t know that well, begins a conversation with “I’m late” she’s sure as hell not excited about it. Excited women begin that conversation with “Guess what! I’m pregnant!” not “I’m late.”

She hates herself and you most definitely are going to hate yourself because now you have to abide by whatever that girl wants. Clearly since she’s not excited this was unplanned and her way of saying “I’m late” in such an aggressive and short manner means that you’re in for one hell of a ride.

I need to tell you something.

If he or she wanted to tell you something that wasn’t going to ruin their day, they would just come out and say it. There’s no need for a somber introduction when it’s good news. This person definitely did something behind your back, that you’re going to eventually find out, and they believe that they should just tell you themselves, before you find out that they are hiding from you and make the situation ten times worse.

I have a boyfriend.

For the guy who is out with his friends drinking on a Friday night, looking to take a girl home, this… is the worst conversation starter. You decided to suck it up and approach the extremely good looking girl standing by the bar with her friends. In your mind, you’re imaging all sorts of scenarios as to what you’ll do with her when you bring her home as you make your way over to her.

You casually say “Hi” and she looks at you in disgust and says “I have a boyfriend.” Like cool, you just shit on me and basically let me know that you’re not one of those girls and I’m going home alone tonight. Way to set the mood for the rest of the evening, I appreciate it.

Do you notice anything different about me?

There’s no way this can end well. You can notice something different and it can be something completely different than what they were originally implying, resulting in you being in trouble for not noticing the thing they wanted to notice, or you can not notice anything different and piss them off for not being aware and paying attention.

If you’re ever put in a position like this, always go with the hair. Just say, “You did your hair differently today” and if they say no turn it around on them and be like “It really does look different.” Most likely, this person will ask others if their hair looks different and those people will be avoiding an argument and say “Yes, it does.”

Look at that, you’ve just won and avoided a serious problem. You’re welcome.


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