It's finally winter in New York, which means I'm going to stay inside. And besides the few special nights you women spend parading your new [insert designer boots here — I don't know what they're called] around town, you will, too.
That means one thing: It's officially dating app season. Deck the halls with boughs of horror.
I don't know how anyone dated between November and March, when the cold wind whipped around every corner and whistled like a masked man in one of those old, colorless movies, just daring you to step on the street.
I also don't know how they did it before dating apps. But apparently, they did and they procreated. Props to them.
Me? I'm going to wrestle awake my Bumble and Tinder profiles and test my luck from the indoor comforts of my small, shitty home. And I'm going to see who I can coax out of theirs with some artificial conversation — not because I'd rather not be out there swinging on the field, but because now, swinging and missing means power walking home alone through the freezing cold.
I'll be honest, though. I have a bad feeling about this winter. So far, dating app season has been letting me down. And you, the women, are to blame.
I seem to be swiping left more and more lately. It's not that I'm tired of dating apps. I'm tired of the same old girls popping up over and over again.
It's not because you're not beautiful. Many of you are. But shuffling through hundreds and hundreds of faces – and dating as many women as I do – desensitizes you to even the prettiest ones.
Why do people get bored with dating apps? Because it's the same ride over and over again, circling around and guaranteeing nothing but its mundaneness.
You want to know what guys think about dating apps? Any guy who's been on one for more than a month tells me the same thing, and I agree: We want women who stand out, and sooner or later, every girl is the same.
I'm not just talking about how they look. I'm talking about what they say, what their profile says and the games they play. This is the unavoidable reality of all dating: realizing the woman you're into isn't really all that special or different from anyone else.
And one of the worst, unavoidable parts of growing up is realizing this about yourself.
But at least in real life, these realizations come on gradually. You get time to come to terms with all of it. On dating apps, you literally see women exactly like one another – oh, you like pizza, too? — pop up after each other.
And you feel like a shithead for this, but you start to wonder if there are really only seven types of chicks on Earth and if any of them are stomach-able. Because there seems to be only seven types on Tinder or Bumble or whatever else I'm using.
And ladies, I love you, but you're bringing me down. If you don't step it up, it'll be a long, cold winter.
Here are the seven types of women I constantly see on dating apps:
1. The Ones Who Don't Respond
This is the first category because women from any other category can also fall into it. It's also the first category because it represents the height of shittiness.
No matter what else is wrong with these women, they immediately become one of the worst girls on dating apps if they don't respond. It means one of four things happened:
1. They swiped right with reckless, careless abandon and are, therefore, impatiently thirsty.
2. They think this is all some silly game to laugh about with their dogs (see below).
3. They have seriously impaired vision because they thought they liked us, and now, they don't.
4. They didn't find our flippantly aggressive come-on funny or worthy of a response, and you know what? That's just not cool with us.
What we think when see them: "Why did we match if you didn't want to talk?" "What are you doing here?" "Why are you wasting my time?"
2. The Ones Looking For A Relationship
They're so easy to spot and often very adorable. But they need to grow up.
They write out extensive profiles about loving their family, soccer and God, and they think that makes them come across as charming. What it really tells us is, they're boring, they don't shut up and they're fucking delusional.
What we think when see them: “On Tinder? Are you kidding me? You want to meet your future husband after swiping right on a shirtless pic of him shoving a funnel down his best frat friend's throat?"
3. The Group Photo Girls
These women either think they're prettier than their friends or prettier in a group. Either way, they're more trouble than they're worth from our perspective.
If I have to swipe through five photos to get to a solo picture of you, there is a reason, especially in the age of 7,000 selfies a day.
On top of all that, they're just going to be difficult.
What we think when we see them: "Who am I swiping right for? Seriously? You're going to make me think about this?"
4. The Ones Only On Here To Get Their Instagram Followers Up
These chicks have their radiuses set at like 100 miles. They probably paid for their followers and think they're Instagram models. That's why they want to boost their presence through Tinder and use Bumble as a "marketing tool" — that whole spiel.
Better to un-match these girls right away. Whatever any guy does – "like" a few Insta pics, comment emoji eyes, slide into their DMs – it doesn't matter. There's no point. They're just in this for the attention.
What we think when we see them: “Why am I doing this? So I can like three of her pics and maybe she'll like three back? Maybe she adds me on Snap? Why? So three weeks later I can see a snap story from Liz? Who is Liz? I have no idea who you are, but you still see my shirtless pics daily. So the only reason I end up texting her is to ask, 'Who are you, Liz? Where are you from?' Then, she says, 'Philly.' Philly? What am I going to do with a girl in Philly?!”
5. The Ones Who “Swipe Right For Dogs”
These girls are probably actually sincere, sweet, lovable women. She's going to be a great mom one day — a great, dog-owning mom.
The problem is, they'll never love you more than they love their dog. They'll be the first to admit it. Even if you aren't looking for love, this is a problem.
Say you take this girl out. It's 10 pm, and suddenly, Sparky needs to be walked. You're an adult, you're out on a date, you don't want to leave. But she will. Every. Single. Time.
Priorities, bro. Her's have paws.
What we think when we see them: “What? That's not funny.”
6. The Ones Who Call Themselves “Pizza Enthusiasts”
There is nothing interesting about these girls, and they either have a bad sense of humor or an eating disorder. And for some reason, they never put out. AVOID.
What we think when we see them: “You like pizza. We get it. Everyone likes pizza. Is this supposed to make you interesting? Because what it looks like is you tricked your brain to think other people think eating pizza is as scandalous as you do. You like pizza. We. Get. It.”
7. The Ugly Ones
No explanation necessary.
What we think when we see them: “Again?”