I Don't Date Assh*les, I Am The Assh*le

Assh*les: We've all got them, but only some of us can be them.

People ask me a lot why I’m single, as if it’s a major I chose or a profession I entered they can’t understand. “So why are you single?” they ask, expecting some logical answer.

What I usually say is something along the lines of “Well, I haven’t really found the right person yet,” and they nod and shake their heads. What I really want to say is, “Because I’m a huge f*cking assh*le.”

Assh*le -- that’s a word you don’t hear people use to describe themselves every day. My mother would cringe hearing me use it, but there’s no substitute. I’m an assh*le and that’s why I’m single. I'm not proud of it or happy about it, but that's how it is.

But what does it mean to be an assh*le? What does it mean when you’re the one chasing everyone away? What does it mean when you're the one destroying every chance at something good?

Maybe I’m just looking for that perfect relationship —my assh*le counterpart, the beads to my anal. Or maybe I just like being alone, maybe I’m an assh*le because it’s easier this way.

After spending a certain amount of time by yourself, it becomes natural to enjoy being alone. Most assh*les are masters of isolation and deep brooding. But let's not get all dark and emotional here.

To bring it back, let’s just say that in every dating scenario, there’s always one assh*le and one pussy. The assh*le is the one who is ruining the dream and most definitely “less affected” by the whole thing.

They are the ones who may seem aloof or unresponsive. They don’t tell you what you want to hear or do what you want them to do. They are picky and stubborn and usually have no intention of changing for anyone.

Before you start hating us, just know that most assh*les aren’t born assh*les (except a few, and you know who those people are).

A lot of us become assh*les from years of tear (sorry). It only takes a few bad times and at least one broken heart to turn any good person into a huge assh*le.

Yet, for some reason, assh*les attract good people. They attract people who want to clean them and help them. They attract people who see something in them and want to hold on to that as they try and get to know them.

But assh*les are always going to be assh*les and try as you might to change them, they're just going to sh*t all over you.

I like to be independent and make my own schedule

All assh*les are defined as being selfish, but in reality, they just like to be on their own. They don’t think asking for alone time is wrong. They had a life before you and they will continue to have that life during and after you.

Texting throughout the day isn’t going to make me love you

It’s going to make me hate you, especially when I’m reaching a deadline. There’s no need to always be talking. I’m thinking about other things and your incessant need to chatter makes me kind of think you’re an assh*le.

If you like me too much, I think there’s something wrong with you

It’s the old Groucho Marx saying, “I wouldn’t want to belong to any club that would have me for a member.” Most assh*les know they’re assh*les, so the idea that you would love them just leads them to believe something is wrong with you.

I don’t like to show emotion all the time

I don't tell my mother I love her every day, so why would I tell you? Just because we've been hanging out doesn't mean there's a need for me to get affectionate right away.

My affection is hard to attain, so when you have it, it should mean much more.

I’d rather you chase me than me chase you

Maybe I'm entitled, maybe I'm just lazy. Chasing someone is work and I don't feel like wasting time that could be spent productively on someone who clearly needs attention. If you need this much attention before we date, what are you going to be like once I catch you?

I’m not going to give you everything right off the bat

I worked hard for everything I have so why would I freely give it out? My time, my affection and my money are not something that are ever idly thrown away.

I have my opinions

I'm not going to say I like something just because you want me to. I will tell you what I like and what I don't like.

That's how I get through life and people should respect that. If you don't like my opinions, you don't have to stay around and listen to them.

Im not an alcoholic, you suck at drinking

The last thing assh*les want to do is listen to what you don't like about them. They don't have a problem, you have the problem.

I refuse to be fake

There's only room for one assh*le in a relationship (Kim and Kanye are the only exception to this), and if we think you're acting like one, we're not going to stick around. There's already too much sh*t between people as it is.