Before you hop in the sack with your budding romance, you need to understand exactly what you’re dealing with.
And no, I don't mean penis size. I mean you need to understand much, much more.
Do you like this person for his or her mind, or is it that cute thing he or she does when he or she is nervous? Do you enjoy the conversation or the makeouts?
Do you know this person? Like, really know this person? Or do you just think you know this person?
The key ingredient to a solid relationship is to build it upon a foundation born from the infusion of two minds. The essential thing to do before having real sex is to have idea sex.
Idea sex is a concept I first learned about from one of my favorite writers, James Altucher.
Idea sex is when two thinkers come together with separate ideas and meld them together to form new ideas. It’s the symbiosis of thoughts to create even bigger, better visions.
Sometimes it’s the smaller ideas that have the potential to be grown into monster-like concepts, million-dollar moneymakers.
The true power couples are the ones who make sweet, sweet love with their ideas to make innovative changes in the world.
When you think about it, idea sex is actually even more intimate than real sex.
I’m reminded of what a friend of mine used to say about boys she really liked,
I just want to f*ck the sh*t out of him, intellectually.
Meaning, she wanted to mind f*ck him.
There is something so much more sexually stimulating about sharing ideas as opposed to sharing a bed. Your brain has the power to be the biggest sex organ of all.
You’re literally sharing your mind with another person.
You are allowing this person to infiltrate your schemes, as well as your brainchildren, to enhance and mold them into something entirely new.
Before you have real, physical sex, you need to be able to debate and qualify your arguments, to contend and open yourself to new perspectives.
If the two of you can get to a point of comfortable understanding and mutual goals, you can make something really special together.
You need to know how a person’s brain works, to understand how his or her body works.
You should think with your brain before you think with your body. You need to understand how a person thinks before you can achieve true intimacy.
Make this person a friend and a respected intellectual. Focus shouldn’t be entirely placed on the physical aspects of a relationship, as so many tend to do in the beginning, but instead on attention to the deeper, emotional facets of a person’s demeanor.
To learn what he or she likes physically, you don’t always have to dive headfirst; you can simply ask. It will make the sex that much more satisfying.
You can’t form mutual respect if you can’t respect each other’s opinions.
You should know what someone stands for before you get under him or her. It would be quite a travesty to end up wrapped in your lover’s arms, naked and content, only to have this person casually drop that he or she has grossly different beliefs than yours.
For instance, if your partner were to bring up the fact that he or she is pro-life, when you’re pro-choice or he or she doesn’t believe in gay marriage, when you’re a gung-ho advocate.
Sometimes, fundamentally different codes of ethics can make a couple incompatible.
If you can’t respectfully agree to disagree, you’re basically f*cked (and not in a good way).
If you can’t create ideas, you can’t create a life together.
James Altucher often says the best way to keep your “idea muscle” strong is by writing down 10 ideas every single day to keep your mind sharp.
Not every one will necessarily be a billion-dollar idea, but just writing them down will help you become conditioned to come up with even more great stuff. Try combining the ideas with another person and inspire new thoughts within him or her.
That’s the way to create the best material and to bring the two of you closer. If you fortify that idea muscle together, you’ll have what it takes to be a dream team.
Strong relationships are built out of strong connections.
If you can’t connect to your partner intellectually, how are you ever going to maintain a physical bond? You can’t build healthy relationships based solely on sex. Sex doesn’t last forever -- only knowledge lasts forever.
Not to mention, if you deeply admire a person’s mind, the sex will only be that much better because you’ll feel linked on a much more profound level.
You can have stimulating idea sex anywhere.
One of the beautiful things about idea sex is you can do it just about anywhere in the world. Over coffee, in the park and, yes, in bed.
You want to be with someone who makes you constantly question everything around you, someone who keeps you actively participating in the development of yourself and your mind.
Idea sex should never be limiting. It should only make you grow more every single day.
Willfully sharing your thoughts is the key to trust.
To give some access to your thoughts is the most personal thing you can do in any relationship.
Your ideas shouldn’t be given freely. They are precious to you. They can be stolen or used against you.
To give someone the opportunity to look into your mind is the ultimate act of trust. True romance comes from truly knowing what your partner is about on all levels.
The only thing you can contract from idea sex is new ideas.
Whereas with real sex, you may come out on the other end infected with someone entirely unpleasant. With idea sex, however, only good things can be formed.
The sole thing that can come from the melding of minds is more ideas. If you combine your individual geniuses together, the combined ideas will make stronger, more interesting and authentic concepts.
A partner should push you to make yourself better and should teach you something.
If that isn’t the fruit of love, I don’t know what is.