I think back at the last few years, the first of many to be spent without you. It's crazy realizing that you haven't been a part of them at all. I sometimes still find it difficult to accept that this is the way things are going to be - not just between us, but for me.
It's difficult accepting that I will have to continue living this life, living with the choices that I've made and am unable to take back.
Please don't misunderstand me. This isn't sadness that you hear in my words. That phase has been and gone. I no longer feel sad about having let you go. I no longer feel sad when the thought of you inevitably pops into my head. It no longer pains me to imagine you having moved on with your life. Of course, I'd be lying if I were to say that these thoughts bring me joy, but they don't tear into me the way they once did, not so long ago.
It's difficult for me to explain the exact state I've found myself in. These are uncharted waters. Once you were the lighthouse that guided me to shore, making me feel safe and certain knowing where I can find home, but that light no longer shines. At least, not for me.
Is it weird if I say I'm OK with that? It feels weird thinking it, but it's true. I'm not happy about it. I'm not sad about it. I'm OK with it. And I think that's the most I can ask for at the moment. The hardest part is accepting that I never meant to you what you meant to me - not really.
This isn't to say that you didn't love me, because I know you did. Yet, here we are; I'm sitting here writing this letter, and you're … somewhere else. Without me, doing your own thing, being the awesome person you've always been.
I'm sure I no longer occupy a room in your mind, yet in my mind and heart you'll always find a place.
If someone were to ask me if I've moved on, I'd say yes. There is no doubt in my mind that I have moved on. I've gotten over a hurdle I wasn't sure I'd make it over. It wasn't just the heartbreak that I had to make it through. It's all that came with it. The sadness. The lack of will. The moodiness. All those horrible habits I picked up as a means of distracting myself - a poor effort at trying to convince myself that you don't matter to me.
But you do. You matter to me more than you know. And the crazy thing is, nothing will ever change that. As long as I continue to be me, my love for you will never fully dissipate. I don't love you the way Romeo loved Juliet. I love you the way the moon loves the sun. While we may never cross paths again, there's a connection that exists and will continue to exist as long as we do.
I have long debated what love actually is … but now I know. It's caring. Not because you want to or because you feel like you should, but because you don't have any other options available to you. Regardless of whether or not we can remain friends, I will always care for you.
And you want to know what? I'm happy that I care for you as much as I do. I'm happy that I can feel this way about a person without feeling the need to own their thoughts, their time, their attention, or even their love. I don't need you to love me. Not anymore. I've found that love for oneself is all that you really need. Everything else is just extra - it's more than the necessary minimum. In other words, everything in addition is a gift. And I can't be upset with not receiving a gift from you. After all, a gift is only truly a gift if reciprocation isn't expected.
So why am I writing this letter? That's an excellent question… I guess it's not really for you; it's for me. Truth be told, I'm secretly hoping that you never read this. You don't need to hear this. You're happy doing you and I want you to stay happy doing you. This letter is to remind me that the choices I've made, the path I've walked and continue to walk, is the path I was meant to walk down.
You turned me into a better person, then into someone I was no longer able to recognize. Yet, I've now somehow found myself better off. I'm stronger. I'm wiser. I'm more disciplined. I feel … content. So thank you for all that.
I may never get over you, but truth be told, I don't want to get over you. I want this new sort of love I have for you to stay with me. I want it to stay with me as I continue on with my life, as I accomplish my goals, as I find someone new to share my life with.
I want my love for you to continue for the rest of my life because whatever I'm experiencing is as real as anything I've ever experienced before. It's still new to me … but it's real. It's selfless. It's pure. It's calming. Life has taught me so much, and although we won't be traveling side by side, I'm excited to see what new lessons life has to teach.
Yours always, Paul Hudson