Why You Can't Bullsh*t A Relationship
Although we all expect and appreciate honesty when dating someone, many of those same people have a hard time returning the favor. I understand it can be difficult to tell the truth about our intentions because of the emotional investment by either party or flat out uncertainty as to how we really feel.
We take steps back and idle because we don’t want to jump the gun. We don’t want to hurt anyone and we don’t want anyone hurting us. In that regard, you’re being responsible. The possibility of making a regretful decision can be overwhelmingly gut-wrenching.
But time is passing and maybe you aren’t lying, but you aren’t saying anything either. You aren’t exactly being truthful. That, or you’re just completely full of sh*t by nature. If that’s the case, maybe you’ll be luckily enough to meet someone equally as full of sh*t. Two negatives equal a positive, right?
It’s important to tell them the truth when dating or investing enough time to get to know someone. Be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for. I’m not saying to disclose every last detail about you as a human being. If your intentions are not to get too close to anyone, then revealing yourself to passers-by seems a little ridiculous.
How you feel about the nature of the relationship and what you’d like to see happen or not happen is a vital foundation of any relationship. There are a variety of arrangements and relationships. It’s like ordering a cup of coffee at Starbucks. If you don’t get your order across clearly to the barista, you’re not going to get what you asked for and those are some intricate and expensive drinks. Not to mention, it takes forever to get one of those coffees.
You walk in there accepting the fact that you might be spending eight dollars on a coffee, you want the coffee your way, but then you get something completely different. After all of that, you wanted the guarantee that you went through all of this trouble to get what you wanted. Obviously drinking the wrong coffee is less severe than settling into a relationship because you never opened your mouth, but you get my point.
Let’s say that you’re not looking for something serious, just a good time. I have a problem with the phrase “not looking for something serious.” I feel it implies that you aren’t taking that person or your arrangement with them seriously. As if they’re just some sort of time kill. I wouldn’t want anyone to designate me as time kill. Plus, if you start catching feelings, try pretending that you don’t take it seriously.
I think to say that you aren’t looking to be exclusive or in a “serious” relationship would be more appropriate. The term relationship implies that you aren’t just having sex or eating dinner together once in a while. You’ve taken some kind of step to commit to each other and thus begun the intermingling of lives.
Not to mention, if you two ever decide that a relationship is both desired and plausible, the fact that you were both honest from the beginning sets a nice precedent for what the rest of the relationship will be like don’t you think?
Not disclosing real intentions or feelings is a mistake I feel most people begin with and continue to carry out. This is a vicious cycle to stop as soon as you possibly can and good luck with trying to keep track of all of your lies. The beginning of the relationship, or relations if you will, is the best time to be your complete self. Think about it, so many people date under false pretenses. I can count a handful of people I know who are guilty of this.
Whether it’s because they were willing to do anything to make it work in the moment, they liked the idea of dating someone more than they actually liked dating that person or they weren’t comfortable enough being themselves. They just decided to be someone else in the meantime.
This isn’t Bon Tempe and you aren’t on the set of "True Blood," so don’t be a shape shifter. Don’t put one act on while dating and then when faced with the million dollar question become someone else.
Don’t you want someone to fall in love with you for everything that you actually are? Too much? Well that’s my point; if just the thought of that type of commitment is too much, it’s really going to be too much when it becomes a reality. Don’t trick anyone into falling in love, or in like, with a version of you that doesn’t exist. Don’t let someone think you want to be with them when you don’t.
Just speak your damn mind. Have Twitter, Facebook and Instagram not taught us anything? This generation shares every fleeting thought with thousands of people they’ve never laid eyes on, but telling one person how they really feel becomes a mission impossible type task. If you continue to take this approach with dating, those three social media outlets will be your only source of followers. They won’t exactly fill the void for a loved one either.
The conversation about intentions doesn’t have to happen right away because we’re not trying to choke each other with commitment here, but if you plan on sticking around with that person, it does have to be a conversation at some point.
Preferably, it should happen before the meaning of the relationship has been misinterpreted. On a broad level, that conversation could end in two ways: one, you want different things and this arrangement will cease to be or two, a mutual understanding can be reached and your affairs together will continue on.
Either way it’s a win because you aren’t carrying on doing something you don’t want to do or you get to carry on doing exactly what you want to do. Some things are easier said than done but in this case, this is actually easily said and can be easily done after it’s said. If you’re into it, then make that known. If you aren’t interested, make it known and make your exit.
I may not be an expert at time placement with having this particular conversation because every situation is different and I am not one to compare relationships. There is no collective reaction or relationship that works for everyone. But don’t ignore your instincts.
I felt that things were getting more serious with whom I’m seeing and those feelings became a topic of conversation. I acted as fast as I could after thinking it through, not out of fear or panic but even though I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I still care for him.
I think highly of him, I respect him and I find him extremely attractive. He deserves honesty and clarity but most importantly, in the event that he is looking for something different than I am, I have opened the window of opportunity for him to move on and to waste any more time on me. Even if he sucked, that’s no justification to send someone the wrong message.
The anxiety of being honest and awaiting a response isn’t over yet. You’ve decided to be responsible and have spoken your mind but it didn’t yield the results you were looking for. Think about why you’re getting caught up over it. A few weeks or months down the road, that person was going to take a leap of faith only to plummet to the ground and guess who they would blame?
If you wanted commitment, you would’ve willingly entered that venture. Chances are you’re only second guessing yourself because you’ve wounded that person for the moment and feel bad about it. You did them a favor by being honest. Everyone walks away unscathed and you weren’t reckless with anyone’s feelings or your own.
Don’t worry about anyone taking your honesty the wrong way either. Their response to the truth speaks volumes about their character. You don’t want to be with an insecure dick who can’t handle you at your purest essence.
When you’re both honest, you both get the opportunity to decide if the other is a suitable companion rather than rushing into dating because you felt like you had a position to oblige too. The next thing you know your cell phone is on lockdown, you’re not allowed to keep some of your friends, someone is always crying and it ends like the Titanic.
I’m not talking about the love between Jack and Rose either. I’m talking about the ocean liner itself going down into freezing waters in pure darkness. The Titanic was a tragedy, your inability to communicate clearly to someone what you want isn’t a tragedy, nor is it romantic. It’s f*cking stupid.
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