Is having an affair ever excusable? I understand most implications of an affair are negative, but what if they weren't all bad?
What if an affair was actually the solution to a slowly diminishing relationship?
"While it may seem morally deplorable, it turns out a majority of husbands revealed that having a mistress (or multiple) made them a better spouse, father, and lover," SeekingArrangement says.
Could this be true? Could an affair — a selfish, trust-shattering act that primarily destroys relationships — actually save it?
Some experts argue that, yes, this is possible. An affair can make a stale relationship suddenly more exciting.
You're probably cheating because something is lacking in your primary relationship, and your on-the-side relationship may help you figure it out.
If we look at our choices to stray in an honest way, we can unlock the real reason why our relationship was in such a stagnant place.
Then, we can try to make our current relationship more authentic, or we can gain a better understanding of ourselves, which leads us away from our partner.
Here, some guys on SeekingArrangement explain why cheating has helped them:
Cheating can offer a physical outlet.
My wife has some health issues, so making love is very infrequent. I love her very much and would never want to divorce, but I am very amorous and love sensuality and being sexual. Having an arrangement where I spend time 'letting loose' keeps me calm and, therefore, a much better husband than if I were bound up. I know this may not be within what many consider societal norms, but it works for me and my family.
— Josh, 54
...Or an emotional one.
Dating Sugar Babies has immensely helped my marriage. A few years ago, I found my marriage in crisis. My wife and I are both very successful and very blunt. We agreed we shouldn't break up, but things couldn't continue on this way. We spent some time apart, and in the time during our space, a friend told me about SA. I actually ran it by my wife, and she was OK with the idea, while also ensuring I was getting what I needed to be the best husband I could be. I eventually found one girl whom I hit it off with. We laughed, giggled, spoke frankly and I used her as an outlet. I was able to speak openly about my marital problems and took my Sugar Baby to large events with me. I don't like going to events alone — everyone knows this — and my wife was OK with me bringing my SB. I didn't want the emotional attachment of a mature relationship because my end goal was to get back with my wife. I needed something, in the meantime, to help regain what I had lost and get the space I needed in my marriage.
— Dexter, 48
It can season an otherwise bland relationship.
After being married for more than 30 years, my wife and I had fallen into what could best be described as a 'mundane routine.' Our sex life was practically nonexistent. We even explored some alternative interests to try and spice things up. After more discussion, she offered that I could reach out for some 'extracurricular' activities, as long as it didn't affect her directly. She didn't want to know about it, and she did not want anyone else to know our business. My current SB is younger than me (in her 20s) and has reminded me that being sexual is a fun thing! I am able to explore things with her that had disappeared from my marriage. We have even talked for hours on end. Overall, I have been a much happier person for this. My marriage has benefitted, too. Since the time that I have taken on my SB, I have relearned how to flirt, compliment and seduce my wife. My wife has never been happier! Three years ago, we had discussed (calmly) divorce; I don't think either of us want to separate from such a loving and sexy relationship.
— Joe, 45
Some just want it all.
With my SB, I get the opportunity to be selfish. If it wasn't for this indulgence from my SB, I would likely leave the marriage. And I have several kids, so at this time, leaving would not be good for them. I like variety, but I don't want the 'relationship' or risk that would go along with a traditional affair. I love being able to have a younger woman that is NSA. My SB knows exactly what to expect, and by keeping the age difference to at least 20 years, the risk of a romantic relationship is near nothing.
— Bradely, 54
It's better than divorce.
Much to my chagrin, it became evident I had morphed into the man I always feared: middle-aged, unhappy and stuck deep in a rut. Divorce was not an option. After years of marriage, life simply becomes 'complicated.' With this in mind, my wife and I decided to institute a truce (pact, if you will): Weekends are mine to do solely as I please. With this newfound freedom, it became clear I needed to find something to do with my time. I stumbled across SeekingArrangement.com. Over time, I was able to find someone who perfectly meshed with my goals and objectives, while also being tolerant of my marital situation. Life has returned to being more enjoyable again, my spirits are uplifted and I feel much more confident and positive about myself and situation. This has also transcended to my marriage and how I treat my wife. We continue to function as husband, wife and parents. However, this readjustment has made us much better friends, which is often lacking in typical 'vanilla' marriages. We continue to love one another and have truly found a good place for coexisting.
— James, 49