Why He Doesn’t Want To Hook Up Right Away, As Told By A Nice Guy And A F*ckboy

by Adam Shadows
Kylah Benes-Trapp

Hi Nice Guy and Fuckboy,

My name is Renee, I'm 21 and have been single basically my whole life.

My most puzzling situation happened at the end of the summer when I started talking to a guy who really had his shit together, unlike guys I have "dated" in the past (26, full-time job, in the process of buying a house).

Our first and second dates went flawlessly, like a dream. We then started hanging out almost daily. He would take me out for dinner or ice cream and we would go back to my place, watch a movie and he would stay overnight.

It was going really great, so I didn't want to rush anything. He would always text me randomly saying how gorgeous I was and how excited he was to see me.

Eventually, on the third or fourth night, he stayed over. I tried to initiate some foreplay. We hadn't done any more than kissing and some innocent grinding, and I wasn't trying to have sex. Just a little bit more.

I basically put my hand down his pants, and he told me no. I was a little hurt, but I felt like he was being respectful and wanting me to know he wasn't just there for the sex.

Then, our week got super busy and we didn't have time to see each other. And eventually, he would stop responding to my texts or be really short.

I was extremely hurt by this because every other guy I have dated would just stop talking to me after we got to this point of "is this a relationship, or not?" Even though we had only been seeing each other for about two weeks, I still felt a really strong connection to him and still do.

After a few weeks, I texted him and told him I enjoyed the time we had spent together, but was unsure of what happened. He told me that it was nothing I did, he was just too busy and he should have told me that beforehand.

Do you guys think this is really the issue here? And is there ever a time that it would be acceptable for me to reach out to him? How should I go about doing that?

Thanks, guys.

Kylah Benes-Trapp

Hi Renee!

When I was 21, I was also "basically single" my whole life. So don't blame yourself for that. In fact, I think this whole blaming yourself deal is the main issue here.

When you initiated some foreplay (on a night he STAYED OVER, no less), most guys would have been thrilled and happily obliged in some funny business. So I don't want you to think you ruined any potential serious relationship with this guy.

I also should add that date three is when some funny business usually does happen, but you waited until date four, which is impressive and commendable.

I have to admit, I share your confusion as to why he shut down your advances, then stopped talking to you with the enthusiasm he once had.

There's a universal (stereotypical) belief that a man will leave a relationship if a woman gives up their goods too fast. Because of this, men are the ones who initiate intercourse and women are the ones who try to hold onto the power by refusing.

I also firmly believe him not accepting your advances has little to do with "respect," especially considering it's far more disrespectful to blow off your texts and leave you wondering what the hell's going on. In either event, things aren't looking good, Renee.

I firmly believe him not accepting your advances has little to do with "respect."

I recently spoke with a dating coach at DateWorks about why men suddenly flee burgeoning relationships, and I hope their advice can help your situation: Dudes have their own process when it comes to committing. In order for us to fully commit, we need to be "ready" and know we'll be able to make the woman we're with sufficiently happy.

It's an issue that is simultaneously selfless and selfish. Because it takes time for us to figure this out, sometimes we need to pull back, reevaluate and make sure we can make it long-term.

This stems from our collective insecurities around being able to provide for and love you enough.

This could be what he's done, but if it is, it was way too premature. I mean, it's been two weeks, and you haven't had sex yet. So this guy's either freaking out too early, or he's met somebody else and is desperately trying to cut ties with you.

This guy's either freaking out too early, or he met somebody else and is desperately trying to cut ties.

If you really want to try to make things work with this guy (and listen, I totally get it; when you finally find somebody you have feelings for, you don't want to let that go), the dating coach's advice suggests you let this guy know you appreciate he's making you happy and fulfilling your desires.

Even more, if he asks for space, give it to him. If this love is meant to happen, he'll come around more committed than ever. If you feel like you MUST reach out to him to get answers, that's how you should do it.

I don't necessarily recommend it, though, since I don't think this guy deserves it. In your case, you've been a dream. His "busy" excuse is bullshit, and I think something just changed in how he regarded you and the relationship.

You going for it that night was totally warranted, and some intercourse (not sex necessarily, but other things) is typically expected when the dude's sleeping over. Our hookup culture begets that assumption.

So, Renee, I hope this helps and that this guy can see what a catch you are. Or I hope you find somebody much, much better who won't be as judgy when you try to make things sexier on date four.

Hell, you're 21! Whatever strong feelings you have for somebody now will be nothing in retrospect once you find a man who won't make you question where you two stand.

Best of luck!


Kylah Benes-Trapp

Dear Renee,

I usually do to girls what he did to you, but I do it after I've let them keep their hands down my pants for a considerable epoch.

He took your hands OUT of his pants? Seriously?! I have absolutely zero idea why he did that. It's not allowed, in a sense. For most guys, when there are hands in our pants, we feel an instinctual imperative to welcome them, kind of like how your knee can't help but jerk when the doctor clinks it — only the opposite.

And yes, we're slaves to it, sure. But we don't mind.

Do your hands have calluses? Were they bleeding? Were they soaked in rattlesnake venom? If not, then the sex thing was going to be an issue down the road with this dude anyway. That's an issue you don't want to have to work through right off the bat.

The sex thing was going to be an issue down the road with this dude anyway.

I don't know you, Renee, but I think what you want is a guy who can connect with you emotionally and who will absolutely want you to grab his dick. Because you have needs, and you kind of want to succumb to them more than you lead on, and that's OK. Shit, that's cool. You should want to.

Am I wrong? If not, go out and get that dude. Find him wherever you look for men.

But don't get it twisted: The insecurity this guy portrayed to get you to like and trust him were the same thing that kept him from getting physically close to you that night.

Don't think you're going to go out there and find a dude who's equally willing to listen to you and to engage in foreplay. You're either going to get the guy who goes down on you for hours, or the guy who makes you feel emotionally fulfilled, at least in the beginning.

You're young. You'll take your lumps trying to find that combination. Embrace the lumps and the failures, and do better next time. Next time, have it end on your terms.

Now, you were sparse on the details in terms of what you two talked about, how you acted, what you agreed on, disagreed on, etc. It's possible you drove him away, that the age gap was a problem or something along those lines.

He probably IS busy, but that doesn't mean you didn't also drive him away. I'm only telling you this because I care.

All that said, don't hesitate to reach out to him again whenever you damn well please. What's the harm? He already isn't talking to you; your relationship is already in the tank.

Stop worrying so much about what's “appropriate” or “right,” and start acting on how you feel. There are no rules, only the illusion of them. Keep playing by what you think the scoreboard says, and you'll stay at zero forever.

Stop worrying so much about what's 'appropriate' or 'right,' and start acting on how you feel.

Your instincts weren't wrong when you reached into his pants — the situation just didn't work out in your favor. You should approach every decision from here on out like that one.

Do you know what you want? If yes, reach out and grab it. The worst thing that can happen is you get rebuffed. You already know what that's like and how to handle it, and you're better off for it.

The best thing that can happen is the world will reward you for knowing what you want, and let you not only grab it, but squeeze.

Unfaithfully yours,