How To Stop Your ‘Grass Is Greener’ Mentality When It Comes To Dating
The hook-up culture is alive and very well.
The trouble is, it's harming real connections and leading us all to be cursed with some kind of dating ADHD.
Dating has changed.
The feeling of "unlimited abundance" has changed our internal circuitry.
There is now a seemingly never-ending supply of hotties to swipe right to.
Suddenly, it seems like no matter who you're with, you believe there must be someone better just around the corner.
It's becoming easier for us to not attach emotionally. The more we practice this, the more alien it feels to have a true connection.
There is a genuine reason we do this. It's to do with our neurochemicals.
When we swipe right on Tinder, get a match or make eye contact with a hottie at a bar, our neurochemical networks are triggered.
The pleasure centers in our brains release dopamine, the same chemical that is released when we're using drugs or watching porn.
This is turning us all numb. If we don't get the dopamine release, we don't feel excited.
Real relationships or real sex just doesn't hit the spot anymore.
We have to be prepared to take the time to rewire our brains.
It's time to forego the rush of instant gratification and replace it with a real human connections.
There's another problem, too.
The constant portrayal of physical perfection on porn websites or our Instagram feeds is making us forget about the most important human attributes.
This creates a constant gap between expectation and reality.
Thanks to the invention of a numbers-based value system, we are all always dissatisfied.
We now have a sense of entitlement about the physical attributes we want. If we are an eight, we want an eight or higher.
This turns all our possible dating matches into objects, not real people.
I'm not saying you should pick someone to date whom you aren't attracted to. That would never work.
But what I am saying is this: When we find someone we have an initial attraction to, we need to give him or her a real shot.
You can never truly evaluate the deeper parts of someone if you aren't prepared to stop swiping.
Finding the real deal involves giving up other options.
Think of it as a degree of self-sacrifice for the greater good.
We should all be looking for people who reflect our values, people with humor and people who are quirky and imperfect.
It's not about "settling" for someone; it's about finding someone who is kind, honest, frustrating, imperfect, messy, real and rewarding to be with.
If you're basing your perfect relationships on Hollywood movies, you have it all wrong.
The fact is, fairytales do exist. But no relationship is ever going to feel like a fairytale all the time.
The best relationships in the world take work, but they are worth the investment.
We all need to drop or loosen up the list of attributes we are looking to check off.
If you are constantly looking for someone who is better looking, has bigger breasts or has a better job, maybe you need to take a closer look at your own values before you evaluate someone else's.
If we choose to lock someone down and commit to him or her, it gives us time to evaluate our true compatibility and value base.
No one is saying it will be easy.
We've all been hurt, and we tend to focus too much on what could go wrong.
None of us want to get our hearts broken, so we can be prone to self-sacrifice.
But the more you are prepared to choose love based on values and character attributes, and the more you are prepared to communicate with your partner to work at building something special, the less chance you have of getting hurt.
We are all genetically hardwired for connection. Deep down, we all want the real thing.
But, we need to have the courage to do what it takes.
We need to show up in relationships as our authentic selves.
Be truthful with your intentions to be someone's priority. We all deserve to know exactly where we stand.
We should all replace constantly looking for better with striving to be in better relationships.
Become a more effective communicator and encourage your partner to continue growing.
Be present when it comes to dealing with the painful emotions that undoubtedly come up in a new relationships.
This will only strengthen your bond.
Aligning your behavior with your core values will also help you when it comes to not forcing things to unfold exactly the way you want them to.
Be patient. Give the relationship time and space, and enjoy the journey of getting to know someone completely.
Relax. This is the fun stuff.