All Eyes On Four Eyes: Why Girls With Glasses Are Scientifically Hotter

by Dan Scotti

I recently picked “Orange is the New Black” back up after a two-season hiatus.

Frankly, I’m not entirely sure why I ever put it down in the first place, but nevertheless -- amidst the hype surrounding Ruby Rose and my recent completion of “True Detective” (which also took me like two years to get through) -- I decided to begin where I had left off.

If you’re not familiar with “Orange is the New Black,” the premise of the show revolves around an all-female detention center and a bisexual protagonist named Piper -- who’s caught in a love triangle of sorts, involving her heterosexual male fiancé and her old lesbian girlfriend/partner in crime. Yeah, exactly, it’s gold.

Anyways, first things first: Ruby Rose is definitely bad. Maybe not “take over the Internet for a full week” bad, but, yeah, she’s definitely sexy.

I’d still hope a heterosexual chick at the bar would prefer to go home with me than her, but I suppose I’ll leave that decision up to her.

Regardless, Ruby Rose is just one of the many attractive women casted on “OITNB.”

For me personally, I’ve always had this thing for Alex -- the main character, Piper’s, crooked ex.

All right, let me try to paint the mental image of her, for you: full-figured and voluptuous, if you will.

She has pale skin and strong, angular features, and her hair is almost “Elvira-looking” (as Larry David would put it).

But here’s the kicker: She’s got these f*cking secretary glasses that she wears. They drive me wild.

I mean, it’s as if she’s got that “naughty teacher” thing working for her -- except substitute the half-unbuttoned Oxford shirt and *possible* suspenders for an all-orange prison jumpsuit.

I’m telling you; there’s just something about those glasses.

She looks like she’s ready to f*ck sh*t up in the mess hall, but, at the same time, she's also ready for some independent reading on Colonial America in the library.

That right there is the whole mystique behind women who wear glasses -- the allure, if you will. It’s the implied intellect.

I’m sure every adolescent male has had a fantasy of some brainy woman in glasses -- probably one of his own teachers -- giving him an F and asking to “SEE HER AFTER CLASS” (potentially with a lipstick stain adjacent).

The idea of nerdy, intellectual women with a "naughty" side will always appeal to men.

As Michael Foster, Gernot Gerger and Helmut Leder of The Jury Expert explain, “individuals who are wearing glasses tend to be seen as more intelligent," so it makes sense that glasses serve as an easy place to start.

For centuries, however, glasses have been the focal point (no pun intended) of many other stereotypes, too -- some that aren’t as desirable as the one mentioned above.

More commonly, glasses usually can be seen as “geeky” -- you know, in the Steve Urkel fashion (not like you’d probably see on some premium porn site).

According to Michael Brown, PhD, in The Jury Expert, “The eyes are the first thing we notice and the facial feature we spend the most time looking at when meeting an unfamiliar person.”

Additionally, people who wear glasses can also be “associated with attributions of diminished forcefulness,” and they might appear less “socially and physically attractive” as a result.

This is why a lot of people opt for contact lenses -- or just walk around half-blind all day: to avoid wearing any clunky frames on their face.

In fact, as certain scientific claims suggest, the thicker the glasses are, the less attractive they’ll appear.

Oddly enough, Foster, Gerger and Leder suggest that “rimless frames” provide all of the social cues regarding higher intellect without appearing any less attractive from a physical standpoint.

With that said, over the past few years alone, we’ve seen thick-rimmed glasses become something of a fashion statement, perhaps demonstrating a shift in the standards of beauty -- especially if you take a trip to Williamsburg, Brooklyn (or most other places with a high volume of hipsters).

I mean, if you’ve watched the NBA playoffs over the past few years, even some of the league’s brightest male stars are opting for large, colored frames on top of their eyes.

Personally, I’m more attracted to women with glasses -- and the bigger, the better.

For me, the risk-taking that goes into wearing such a bold fashion statement on one’s face shows confidence and chutzpah. That’s the type of sh*t that I find attractive.

Glasses come in an infinite number of styles and varieties, so each woman’s specific choice can also be seen as a direct illustration of her own individuality.

Brown continues to say glasses also act as a signifier of dependability and honesty.

There’s a level of unspoken innocence that accompanies a pair of glasses that can certainly be desirable in a significant other.

Glasses also appear professional and straightforward, which is part of what makes the fantasy of a “naughty, glasses-wearing teacher” so desirable for men.

If all glasses-wearing women were generally “naughty” and had an affinity for spontaneous acts of sex -- we wouldn’t have to constantly strive toward that type of situation in our daydreams. We would just attend office hours.

But for now, we'll happily introduce ourselves to the lady wearing glasses at the bar.