What It Means To Have A 'Girl Crush' And Identify As Sexually Fluid

by Jen Handoko

When it became more and more obvious that my friendship with my best friend Ana was slowly deteriorating, a peculiar kind of sadness overcame me.

Before our freshman year of high school, we made a promise to maintain our friendship, despite attending different schools. We tried to defeat the odds, but being exposed to so many new people made it difficult to preserve what was left of our friendship.

On occasion, when time would allow, we caught up. But there was an undeniable, impending doom of truth we tried very hard to repress.

We were growing apart.

After only a small amount of time, we stopped talking to each other entirely.

I only ever kept up with her through social media, scrolling past photos of her with another girl, who seemingly ended up being a better and much more fitting best friend.

It seemed ridiculous to own up to this, but I couldn’t deny the sadness I felt about feeling replaced.

It felt similar to seeing an ex-boyfriend with a new girl. I was experiencing the same lump in my throat and the exact feelings of betrayal.

But before there were boys, there was a best friend I loved in the purest way. Nobody could have ever measured up to her.

What I was going through was textbook heartbreak, and it took me until now to realize Ana might have been my first love.

With this new knowledge, I go through cycles of confusion. Could I possibly be attracted to both men and women? Am I emotionally available to be in romantic partnerships with both sexes?

I have been attracted to men ever since I saw mid-90s Leonardo DiCaprio.

I love the security and warmth of a guy’s hands, holding me like a precious gem. I love their coaxing, sleepy voices and heavy hearts.

Still, the beauty of a woman is just as enthralling to me.

Coming across an attractive man is one thing, but being struck by a beguiling woman always leaves me in wonder. Urban Dictionary defines a "girl crush" like this:

“An overwhelming sense of awe felt by a girl for another girl, elicited by varying causes ranging from deep respect to unadulterated lust. May result in any or all of the following: general euphoria, prolonged sense of inspiration, desire for intellectual intercourse with crush, simple sexual arousal, etc.”

Admiring a woman is easy to do. It's not difficult to be in awe of her rose petal-soft skin, supple lips and the cute way her silky, disheveled hair falls over her face in the morning.

At an early age, girls have been taught to be comfortable with their bodies around other girls. Seeing your friend naked is normal, and on afternoons, she will rest her head on your lap as she whines about her awful day at work.

On ladies' night, 30 minutes after last call, you’ll wrap your arms around her and kiss her mouth, despite the pungent scent of $5 margaritas. You count every freckle she always tries to hide, and you purposely embarrass her, just to see the flush of red on her cheeks.

You love making her laugh because of the way her nose crinkles when she giggles.

Perhaps, after experiencing its fluidity, it's time to accept that love is genderless.

Women have a very special sense of empathy and understanding toward one another, which is why falling in love with one is so easy.

Whether it’s innocent or coming from a place of lust, it happens at many points in our lives. Perhaps bi-curiosity is an idea every individual should understand, instead of repress.