There comes a point in every young Millennial's life when Facebook becomes more of a bad thing than a good thing.
Back in the early days, when it was young and fresh, Facebook provided a beautiful platform to connect with old friends, yet from that point forward -- Facebook has become a chore of sorts.
Friends get upset when you crop them out of pictures; best friends get upset when they don't like your photos.
It's madness. People literally create real life problems out of online etiquette. But who am I to judge? It's hard to criticize the relevance of online relations in 2015.
Jobs are attained through emails -- sex is had through a swipe of the finger and a few tacky pickup lines. The power of the URL connectivity is undeniable.
Especially on our own psyche. And when it comes to all matters relating to your girlfriend, it can definitely create a stir.
I don't care how tough a guy makes himself out to be. Every dude reacts about their girlfriend in the same way -- highly irrationally. Whether it's out on the street where a random homeless dude catcalls your girl or you read a thirsty-ass comment on her Instagram.
The general response is “what the f*ck?”
For this piece, we'll focus on the thoughts that may or may not go through your head when you see your current girlfriend's ex-boyfriend randomly like one of her pictures.
I reiterate: highly irrational.
1. “X likes this picture.”
2. Why does her ex like this picture?
3. What could her ex possibly like about this picture? It’s a shot of her legs and a mug of iced coffee.
4. Do you know how many pictures of kneecaps and coffee cups exist across social media? This was calculated.
5. This kid is ridiculous. He has to move on.
6. Like, he couldn’t even just like it within his own subconscious -- he had to publicly alert Facebook that he did, in fact, like the photo.
7. I don’t get it.
8. What does he think will come of the "like"?
9. Is she going to be so swept off her feet by the fact that he took the time out to click the screen of his iPhone that she’s going to just leave me and elope with him?
10. I don’t think it works like that, pal.
11. I might do a little digging and find out who his girlfriend is -- and go and like some of her sh*t.
12. I’m just really not trying to get into a thing, I simply don’t have the strength to deal with some petty online sh*t. Not today.
13. Yeah, that’s it -- no petty sh*t.
14. Just move on with your day, Dan.
15. Why am I even on Facebook anyway?
16. I already saw which random people from my high school were celebrating their birthday today. I think I’ve fulfilled my Facebook quota for the day.
17. Anyway, if anything were to go on between my girl and her ex, I would assume that he would not have the wherewithal to leave any traces.
18. At least not on Facebook… that’s one big selfie-cluttered paper trail.
19. This kid wasn’t the brightest though, if I recall correctly.
20. Pretty sure he dropped out of college to go work with his dad since he couldn’t handle it.
21. So I wouldn’t put it past him.
22. But, at the same time, it doesn’t really matter because he’s now assistant to the head of the hedge fund he’s working at, so, yeah, he’s rich as f*ck.
23. If this kid decides to wage a full-on war over the rights to my girl, I’m not sure if I’ll have the financial assets to keep up.
24. It won’t get that far.
25. It might get that far, but it probably won’t.
26. Maybe it was an accidental “like.”
27. It’s happened to me, so I know from experience.
28. It could’ve been an accidental like.
29. It also could’ve been the “faux-accidental like, then slide into her messages to clear it up” type of like.
30. I also know that one from experience.
31. All right, time to get off Facebook.
32. But what else do you do on the Internet?
33. I’m going to get some fresh air.
34. Maybe I’ll call my girl. I’m sure that cup of coffee is done by now, yeah?
35. I’ll come up with a joke to avoid sounding paranoid.
36. I’m extremely perceptive; I’ll be able to tell right from her response.
37. She doesn’t think I know her like that, but we’ll see.
38. I probably shouldn’t say anything.
39. It’s going to create a whole thing -- she’s going to do a full raid of all my timelines, and it’ll be like a drug bust.
40. Better just let this one go and monitor the situation.
41. Another “like” and I’m coming in hot.
42. Let me see where this kid works. I’ll be at his office with a trash can cover like Sonny Corleone.
43. Relief work in Cambodia?
44. Oh, sh*t, this isn’t the hedge fund one. That’s her other ex.
45. "Relief work." That means, like, an extended stay, right?
46. Not to mention -- relief work also means he’s a humanitarian. No humanitarians steal girlfriends. That’s like against the code.
47. He’s got like four of those Cambodian women in his arms, though, in that profile picture.
48. So, like I said, I’ll monitor the situation.