The challenge isn’t getting her home; it’s getting her to leave.
It’s safe to assume that most guys go out at night with the intention and desire to meet a nice girl and bring her home. Don’t, however, start high-fiving yourself and doing a victory dance the second you’ve got her in your apartment.
If you live in a big city, you’re a potential target for a bridge-and-tunnel or an out-of-towner who doesn’t want to stumble drunk into the train station at 4 a.m. and just needs a place to crash for a few hours before catching that train to wherever they came from.
Was it a little too easy to bring her home? Do you remember where she lives? Unfortunately, it sounds like you’ve become the sexless inn-keeper. This happened early in my career and it’s quite frustrating. You think you’re on a roll, sucking face at the bar and in the cab, and you get her home just in time to get your hand smacked away and for her to pass out horizontally on your bed, with jeans on.
“Hey, why did you even come home with me? Oh, I get it…this f*cking sucks.”
Only redeemable aspect of this encounter is that she felt comfortable enough to go home with you, so at least she doesn’t think you’re a serial killer or a rapist. Kudos to you!
Regardless if you did the deed, chances are she’s sleeping over. Even if you didn’t bump uglies, there is zero chance she’s leaving your apartment and she fully expects you to cuddle and start spooning…again, this f*cking sucks.
Whether you got to know one another in a biblical sense, or you only played landlord for a few hours, getting her out of your bed might be harder than getting her into your bed.
The top 13 ways to get her out of your bed are a surefire way of guarding against a morning lingerer and can ensure a few decent hours of sleep in the morning.
1. Get Up To Go To Work
Doesn’t matter if it’s a Saturday or a holiday, take a shower and put on a suit. Shaving makes it even more believable. Key here is to actually walk her out, take a lap around the block then go home.
2. Go To Church Or Temple
You’ve suddenly become spiritual after a night of debauchery.
3. Play Dead
She wakes up early, thinks you’re still sleeping so she leaves. DO. NOT. MOVE. Don’t mistake the bathroom door closing for the front door and think you’re free.
4. Say You Have To Attend A Funeral
5. Parents Just Called...
...And surprised you by coming into town -- they will conveniently be here in five minutes.
6. Set Your Alarm As Your Ringer And Pretend There’s An Emergency
No stay right there! I’m coming to you!
7. Ouch! A Bed Bug Just Got Me
8. Tell her she’s the first girl you’ve been with since breaking up with your boyfriend
9. Grab Your Stomach
Tell her your bathroom is broken and you need to go to Starbucks to take a sh*t.
10. You promised to help a friend out by driving her to the abortion clinic
11. Dutch Oven
If she can’t stand the heat, hopefully she’ll get out of the kitchen.