Don’t get me wrong; girls are great. They cook, and clean, and are nice to look at. Five bonus points are rewarded if her perfume smells good. But most of the time, girls are barely tolerable, by both sexes. I literally could write a never-ending list of the types of girls who give me migraines, but here are the types of girls who I can’t stand the most.
The girl who thinks she’s fat
Unfortunately, this trait can be found in 97% of all females. If there’s one statement I hate to hear more than anything on this entire planet, it’s “I’m fat.” The attention of every guy in earshot to tell you, “No you’re not!” is exactly what you’re looking for. Say it enough around me and I’ll tell you, “Yes, you’re fucking fat.”
The thing that’s most annoying about a girl who constantly says she’s fat is that, most of the time, she’s not even close. She’s actually under the recommended body weight for her height, and she still feels the need to suck in her stomach while taking pictures on the beach – which everyone notices.
The worst part? These girls who are constantly complaining about their weight don’t work out and think that having one meal a day will solve all of their problems, not knowing that when you actually do eat, your body stores all of the fat from that meal because it’s preparing to be starved again.
After a whole day of not eating anything, these girls will go out at night and drink over a thousand calories in alcohol, and then stop at their local late night eatery and order something smothered in cheese and grease, devouring it all. The next morning, you can be sure to find this girl tweeting “WHY DID I EAT PIZZA LAST NIGHT? WHY. I’M HUGE.” This girl will then go nurse her mood by lying in front of the TV, with a bag of chips, watching Lifetime movies.
The girl who takes forever to get ready
There is absolutely no reason for any girl to take over an hour to shower and get ready. No reason at all. Unless you’re shaving your legs, it should never take a girl more than ten minutes to shower. What could you possibly be doing in there? Actually, I don’t want to know.
It should take twenty minutes, at maximum, for a girl to do her hair. There’s no need to blow dry your hair, and then straighten it, and then curl it, and then play around with different headbands and pony tails and buns. This is not the fucking prom. You’re going out with your friends to drink and your hair is going to be flat, sweaty, and stringy in the next fifteen minutes anyway.
And let me tell you something: If it takes you more than five minutes to apply makeup during your morning routine, I can guarantee you that you’re not pretty. And spending an additional half-hour on foundations and eye shadow sure as hell won’t make you any more attractive.
The girl who doesn’t know shit about anything
“What is that? What does that mean? What happened?” This girl could not name more than five professional sports teams. She’s never seen an action movie. Her "Favorite Books" section on Facebook says, “HAHA, I don’t read!” She has no idea what’s going on in the news and could not even come close to distinguishing the difference between a Democrat and Republican.
I once encountered a girl who asked me what the word generous meant. It absolutely blows my mind when girls like this actually have boyfriends. What do these girls talk about, with anyone, not even just a guy? The majority of the time, this girl acts this way on purpose because she thinks being corrected and taught things by men is cute.
How do you ever expect to get married when the only movie you were interested in seeing this summer is Magic Mike? I bet you don’t know how to cook either and could care less about learning to do so – essentially making you a failure and deeming you useless.
The girl who borrows everything
“Hey can I wear that dress you wore the other day?” No you fucking can’t. “Oh, my god. I love your clothes. I wish I had your style!” That’s great. You can borrow them, if you go and buy the shit yourself.
There’s a girl like this in every group of friends. This is the girl who claims that she has a shopping addiction, yet can’t seem to buy anything remotely fashionable and borrows everything she’s wearing from her friends. She hates all of her clothes and suddenly, because you’re friends, it’s your responsibility to dress this girl.
She then borrows whatever article of clothing she may desire, spills vodka down the front, doesn’t wash it, and returns the piece six weeks later, leaving you with the $19 dry cleaning bill. Or she gives it to another friend of hers to borrow, claiming that it’s hers. Or she just doesn’t return it at all.
The girl who cares about what everyone thinks
This bitch cannot have fun doing anything because she’s constantly worried that someone is going to judge her. She cannot speak her mind; she cannot do anything in front of guys; and she’s constantly asking her friends how she should word her tweets, or what filter she should use on the picture she’s currently Instagram-ming. This bitch will even untag every single picture of her that isn’t airbrushed.
This is the girl who puts makeup on to go to the beach. You’re kidding me right? Your insecurity is pissing me and everyone else off. Good luck finding a boyfriend.
The girl who wants pictures taken of everything
"Wait, take a picture of us!" [Poses next to friend with one hand on her hip, head tilted at a 45 degree angle] "Let me see it!" "Ugh, no – ew – my smile is gross. Can you take another one?” “Can you take a picture of me standing on this table?” “Take a picture and make sure you get that weird kid in the background.”
No one wants to invite this girl anywhere. She lives for creating albums on Facebook or getting likes on Instagram. She also doesn’t notice that every guy around her is rolling their eyes and holding a makeshift "hand" gun up to his head.
Even guys don’t like this type of girl. I mean, they do – but you know what I mean. This girl thinks that everyone loves them and, by everyone, I mean guys only because these guys are paying attention to them. But it’s the wrong kind of attention. These guys could care less whether you live or die because there are 50 other girls out there who will give them a blowjob, too.
To other girls, this type of girl acts like she’s a virgin. I went to high school with a girl who was known to have sex with more than 10 guys before her junior year. But every time she held a conversation with a group of girls, she acted like she was a virgin, as if the entire school had not been talking about her sexcapades for the past six months.
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