What Men Should Never Say To Women

Men do not seem to be able to learn from experience as to which phrases simply will never fail to piss a girl off. I understand that it's not too easy to comprehend, considering the realm of the insult is eons larger in the eyes of a women than that of a man.

Still, there are certain things men just should know not to utter in any situation because of the way the tragically twisted female mind will interpret what was said and react as if it was the most demeaning, personal offense.

Some guys really know what they’re doing and can speak with poise and grace in a way that you didn’t think was possible. Others are just plain dumb as to what will evoke more self-afflicting thoughts and dramatic conversations than they ever could have imagined.  What ever could have possessed you to say any of the things you just said? Do you want to start a fight?

Regardless of whether you had good intentions or not, something are just better left unsaid, especially when speaking to a female, because let’s face it, women are insane and will twist anything slightly negative you have to say against you.

“You Look Skinny.”

I know, guys. You really meant to pay that woman a compliment. All girls do is eat as little as possible to achieve a Karlie Kloss-esque body, and you felt that telling her that she looked skinny would make her day. It should make her day, but all females have this little thing wrong with them called “insecurity”.

The second you tell a woman she looks skinny, she will automatically go back and think, “That must mean that at some point he thought I looked fat. Great, I’m disgusting and he knows I’m disgusting, and I’m not speaking to him ever again.” It’s completely chemically imbalanced and wrong on the woman’s part, but just agree to never utter those words. You’ll thank me someday.

“You sound just like your mother.”

This is obviously meant to be a dig. If you’re telling me I sound like my mother it's most likely due to the fact that I am really just acting like your mother instead. This is going to upset me because I will then realize that I am acting like your mom and really shouldn’t be doing that (major girlfriend don’t ladies, but hey, we’re only human). Instead of saying “I’m sorry” and moving on from that phase, females obviously are going to get upset and turn the tables around on you. Because it can never be easy, and women always have to have the last word, don’t they?

“Relax.”

I wouldn’t be surprised if someone told me that a man telling a woman to relax started all major world wars. Most women will tell you “I am relaxed when he says relax” blah, blah, blah. I’ll be honest with you and admit it: of course I’m not fucking relaxed, you clearly sense my tension which was most likely brought on by something you did.

Telling a girl to relax is the equivalent of saying “I don’t give a shit about one thing you’re saying and would really like you to stop talking, but I’m missing enough brain cells to not realize that I just put myself in a deep hole by saying ‘relax’ and am now in for more unwanted tension and uptight drama than before. Fuck.”

“I don’t care, it doesn’t matter to me.”

To me, nothing is more infuriating than indecisiveness. If we’re working together to make plans for the night and you’re too busy doing whatever you’re doing to choose a place to eat, if  I throw out a few suggestions, the last thing out of your mouth should be “I don’t care, it doesn’t matter to me.” If you make the fatal mistake of uttering these unintentionally offensive words, I’m probably going to throw the nearest object that won’t kill you in your general direction.

Because chances are you do care. It’s very rare to find a guy who will eat whatever you will. Let me rephrase that: guys should be able to eat whatever, whenever (isn’t that a stereotype or something?) but if you’re going to be indecisive about what you want and not help me out in the slightest, I’m dragging you to my favorite sashimi restaurant and you’re going to be eating raw fish with me all night. If you’re down with that though, I’m down with you, and I retract everything I just said.

“My ex used to…”

Before you finish that sentence let me just cut you off and tell you that I earnestly do not give a fuck what your ex used to do. Even if you were just about to bash her, there’s a reason why she is your ex, so just leave her in the past. This isn’t even about being an insecure female who can’t handle hearing about another woman. Speaking about your ex-girlfriend to your current girlfriend (or whatever that girl you’re spending time with is to you) is irrelevant to whatever you’re doing right now. Learn to let go or learn to let me go, and I promise you, you most definitely don’t want to do that.

Ally | Elite.

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