When approaching a woman, the problem isn’t so much in knowing what to do — be confident, make her feel comfortable, get her to laugh, smell good — it’s in knowing what not to do. This list will help you avoid the dreaded “epic fail” the next time you make your move.
1. The Catcall
From “Hey Baby!” to hisses, whistles, seagull, pigeon and pterodactyl noises, few techniques in the history of courtship have ever proven less effective; witnessing a successful catcall is like finding Bigfoot.
The drive-by catcall is especially magical, as TLC sang: “A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me — hangin’ out the passenger side of his best friend’s ride, tryin’ to holler at me.” Just... no.
2. The Sidle
So you’re feeling a girl at the bar — eyes as clear as Lake Tahoe, smile warmer than hot cocoa, legs that’d make a mannequin tremble with jealousy.
You could walk right up to her and her girlfriends and say, “Hi,” as if it’s the most natural thing in the world... or you could walk a few steps toward them, pause, sip your drink, take a couple steps more, look to see if they’ve noticed you — they haven’t — inch behind them with your hands in your pockets and mumble, “Excuse me?”
You’re excused. Women read hesitation like they Nicholas Sparks novels — when you don’t approach them with confidence, they can spot it from a mile away.
3. The Send-A-Friend
“Hey — see my friend over there? He thinks you’re cute.”
The only way this works is if your buddy doing the talking is the best wingman since Goose (and if she thinks you’re so attractive that she’ll overlook you not having the cojones to chat her up yourself).
4. The “Bump N’ Grind”
R. Kelly said he didn't see nothin’ wrong with it, but if you want to dance with a girl, attaching yourself to her backside before she’s even seen your face is not the way to go.
5. The Tap On The Back AKA The “Can’t Touch This”
DO NOT touch, tap, poke or grab a girl to get her attention — especially if she’s not looking. Not on her back, not on her arm, not on her head and definitely not on her butt. Violating a girl’s personal space is the easiest way to send her running... to the cops.
6. The Résumé
The best way to impress a girl is not to list things about yourself like some seedy car salesman. “I get fantastic highway mileage — and I passed my latest inspection!” Girls want to discover what’s great about you; they don’t want you to tell them, “I’m kind of a big deal,” a la Ron Burgundy in “Anchorman.”
7. The Kiss On The Hand
Gentlemen used to take a lady’s hand and kiss it when they met her. Those gentlemen also wore wigs and tights and denied women the right to vote.
Bemoan the death of chivalry all you want; if you kiss a girl’s hand when you meet her, you’re going to the friend zone faster than you can say, “I just don’t see you like that. You’re like my little brother!”
8. The Interruption
When guys decide they want to talk to a girl, they don’t usually consider whether she’s ready to listen. If she’s on her phone, at the gym wearing headphones or eating dinner with a friend, you’re probably bothering her.
If you want to win her over, you now have to engage her and combat what already had her occupied before Captain Annoying (you) came along. You’re better off waiting for a moment when her attention is no longer diverted.
9. The Interrogation AKA “The CSI”
“Hey, what’s your name? Are you from here? What’s your sign? Do you like cereal? How many times a day do you poop?”
Meeting someone should involve a conversation — not a job interview.
10. The Cheesy Pick-Up Line
“Did you get those pants on sale? Because at my place, they’d be 100 percent off!”
Though they may be funny, pick-up lines instantly put a girl on guard. Rather than showing an interest in her as a person, they showcase your desire to get laid. Be original and be patient. If you allow it, an opportunity to notice something about her and make a genuine connection will arise.
All of these tactics can work once a decade, but you’ll do much better — and she’ll appreciate you more — if you steer clear of these time-proven errors.
Top Photo Courtesy: We Heart It