69 Thoughts That Go Through A Guy's Head When He Just Can't Get (Or Keep) It Up

by Dan Scotti

Sex is an instinct, and an essential part of human nature. Nevertheless, it doesn’t always work out the way you hoped.

I mean, you’re bound to encounter a few hiccups, at times. In a perfect world, our friend downstairs would always pop up, harder than the critical reading portion of the SAT, when provoked. This world’s far from perfect, though.

And the first step on the road to recovery is accepting the problem.

“Whiskey dick,” isn’t just an urban legend. It’s real. Sometimes you’re just unlucky. I’m sure there are guys with worse luck than Carl Fredricksen in “Up” (the Joe Paterno looking one), especially at getting it there. Sh*t happens.

It's important to bounce back, even when you’re dealt the short end of the di – I mean, stick. We’ve all been there before. This was probably what you were thinking while it all went (and stayed) down.

69. Wow, I got her back to my apartment. I’m the f*cking man.

68. I’m 'bout to give this girl a ride.

67. Hey there, why are you flaccid?

66. Wake the f*ck up, it's not that hard. Literally, though. C'mon, she’s calling your name.

65. Actually, she’s starting to get kinda flummoxed, this is a bad look.

64. It’s gonna be a spectacle trying to put a condom on.

63. I hope she’s on birth control.

62. Pshh, we’re in Bloomington, Indiana, who am I kidding?

61. I wonder if she thinks it’s her.

60. It’s totally not, she’s so f*cking hot.

59. She’s too hot, that’s the issue. She’s too hot. I’m intimidated by her hotness.

58. I swear I was hard a second ago.

57. This sh*t always happens.

56. Man, F*CK MY LIFE.

55. Actually, I probably couldn’t f*ck that either.

54. I’m like Ron Jeremy whenever it’s inopportune to be erect.

53. Like in middle school. And funerals. Yeah, it’s as if I have a perpetual boner during funerals. There’s got to be a deeper rooted issue there.

52. Thank God for the whole “flip and tuck” movement.

51. I feel like every time my teacher would call on me to write something on the board, I’d be inexplicably aroused in the back of algebra.

50. True, true, but Miss Isaac was super sexy.

49. But still, we were f*cking learning long division.

48. Hold. Long division? That’s the spirit, Dan. Split them long legs, tiger.

47. What can I do to distract her?

46. This is probably a poor time to pick her brain about the state of the midterm elections.

45. Wait, hold the f*cking phones. This guy’s getting stiff.

44. I’m a f*cking machine, let’s gooooo (pun SO intended).

43. Nevermind, false alarm. That’s on me.

42. This girl really isn’t that hot.

41. She’s ugly, actually. Get a nose job.

40. That’s a face only a mother could love, no wonder I can’t get hard.

39. SHE’S AMAZING. The nose fits her face.

38. It’s just nerves, Dan, settle down. Take a breath. We’re gonna be all right.

37. What if I imagine everyone in the room naked?

36. Sh*t, it’s just me and her, and we’ve both been naked for the past 20 minutes or so, now.

35. Should I like get dressed, or nah? This is pathetic.

34. Knowing me, I’ll pull the plug on this whole thing, and walk the whole way home – utterly defeated – with a blazing erection, while listening to “Cameras / Good Ones Go Interlude” out of my iPhone speakers.

33. F*ck that, “it ain’t over til the fat lady sings”.

32. Well, er, the skinny one underneath me is laughing. What does that mean?

31. Yeah, it’s probably over. If I had to guess.

30. Why the f*ck did I drink so much?

29. Oh yeah, I made that bet that I could chug that fishbowl of turquoise liquor sh*t without throwing it up.

28. I knew I wouldn’t throw it up.

27. Now I can’t get it up though.

26. Maybe if I pull a bathroom break quick and force myself to throw up now, I’ll sober up. That’s the boost.

25. Then again, it’s been like an hour, and realistically, I’m sober as a judge.

24. Like I could drive.

23. But I can’t get an erection, ain’t that some sh*t.

22. Wait, no, no, don’t put your bra back on.

21. Gimme a second.

20. Not literally one second, but like five to seven minutes, I swear.

19. I’m confused why she’s rolling her eyes, do a sexy dance or something, sh*t, I don’t know.

18. That sounded creepy, don’t ask her to do a sexy dance. Neither the right time nor place, Dan.

17. I mean, don’t be afraid to try anything over there on your end, shorty.

16. She put her bra on. So, yeah, that backfired.

15. Man, I really like that color.

14. A compliment at this point probably wouldn’t land, huh?

13. Might as well cut my losses.

12. I’m going to tell her sex on the first night didn’t seem right, she’ll think I have a soft spot.

11. Well, I guess technically two soft spots.

10. And there goes the shirt, too.

9. I still got a chance until she puts the pa – whoops, never mind, yep, pants are on now too.

8. What would my father think?

7. Thinking of dad certainly isn’t helping.

6. Doesn’t matter, she’s already out the door.

5. She slammed that door with some vigor, I have a feeling that a second date may be harder than it looks.

4. At this point, everything is "harder than it looks." Frankly, it looks like the anti-hard at the moment.

3. I can’t believe she actually dipped. Classic. Now what am I going to do with this f*cking erection?

2. Where’s the damned Cetaphil.

1. I’m so not the man.