12 Things Guys Are Completely Clueless About When It Comes To Girlfriends

Disclaimer: This post is satirical and meant to be humorous. 

Given our propensity for engaging in stupid behavior, it’s quite remarkable that men still make up roughly 50 percent of the global population. In light of this, it should hardly come as a surprise that we are completely oblivious when it comes to many things our significant others do.

Ladies, it’s not that we don’t care about what is going on in your life -- we are just too stupid to notice. Please don’t kill us; we’re busy doing that on our own. Here are 12 things that most guys are completely clueless about:

1. You changed your hair color.

So, you’ve changed your hair color from hazelnut to caramel-chestnut-mudcake? We can’t tell the difference. To us, it’s just brown.

We just think you’re pretty.

2. You cut your hair.

Unless you shaved your head or went all Miley Cyrus, we won’t notice the fact that you’ve cropped a couple of inches from your long mane. It’s past your shoulders? It’s long.

We just think you’re pretty.

3. What shade of lipstick you are wearing.

Any man who can identify a color that isn’t visible in a rainbow is of questionable taste. Your lipstick is red. This is all we know.

We just think you’re pretty.

4. Who all your friends are dating.

So, Kimberly is dating Brad and Becky is dating what's-his-face? Your blonde friend is dating that stockbroker and your slutty friend is dating whomever she woke up next to that morning?

To be honest, we have a tough time even remembering your friends’ names, so don’t be angry if we can’t keep up with their dating lives.

We just think you are way prettier than all of your friends.

5. When you are wearing makeup.

Unless you are sporting a clown face, we seriously can't tell if you are wearing makeup. Take it as a compliment and as a sign that we think you’re pretty.

6. Your new pair of shoes.

Men don’t look at feet: fact. There is nothing going on down there and we would much rather focus on other parts of your anatomy.

7. The different types of exercise classes you attend.

Okay, so you do yoga on Mondays, yoga-lates on Tuesday, rumba-cise on Wednesday and ballet boxing on Friday. We have no idea what the difference is between all of these different classes or why you don’t just simply say you are going to the “gym.”

We just think you’re pretty.

8. Why you watch “Girls.”

This show is the only thing that makes us want to repeatedly bash our heads against a wall more than level 460 of Flappy Bird. Honestly, we have no clue what is going on, other than the fact that every character is lame and none of them are funny.

We just know that you’re (probably) not lame, and you’re pretty.

9. What “it’s fine” means.

How are we supposed to know that “it’s fine” means you hope we get sexually assaulted by a herd of African rhinos? Did we mention you're pretty?

10. New decorations in your house.

Unless it’s a mirror on the ceiling, there is absolutely no chance we will notice what you did to your room. And no, we didn’t notice the scented candles on your dresser. Vanilla is an ice-cream flavor.

You pretty.

11. Why the hell you take so long in the bathroom.

In a club and gotta go to the bathroom? Okay, we will meet back here in a fortnight’s time. You look pretty.

12. Why you have so many pillows on your bed.

Seriously, why? Although, it is admittedly fun spending 45 minutes packing them away before we go to bed! Pretty.

Elliot, Misha and Matt are the authors of “He’s An Asshole Anyway: How To Deal With Being Dumped According To The Assholes Themselves” available on iTunes and Amazon.

Photo credit: Fox