Maybe we lost the plot a bit in 2015. Maybe we didn't sleep enough. Maybe we didn't work out enough. Maybe we swallowed a bit too many of those tiny pills Stacy was passing around at that party. You know, the white ones with the smiley faces on them and the Chanel logo on the other side.
We certainly drink too much. Is this perhaps why our wives and girlfriends are more excited to bypass the shaft, venturing all the way down to the sea-floor to run a wet tongue up and down our nether-regions?
I don't even know if people are still receiving blowjobs these days. We get it; you like eating ass. I'm still into getting my dick sucked, however. I know I'm not alone. Of course, there are women out there who are just as naughty and nasty about it as men are, but sometimes that money-shot just isn't worth the crank-action.
Some men suffer from brewer's droop. Others shrink from coke-dick. I'm sure you've heard the saying, "too much blow and the cock won't grow" before. Smoking is another one that makes your man-sauce taste icky.
But it's not just only what you put into your mouth, lads, that affects your wad. Some men may suffer from stress-related psychological issues such as anxiety, depression or past trauma, resulting in erectile dysfunction and a lower libido altogether.
These five fruits are bursting with nutritional goodness, and bounds of flavor which will help reinvigorate and reignite that fervent passion that once existed between your sheets:
If the phallic shape of this super food is anything to go by, it certainly should be a staple for the discerning man. Bananas are laden with many enriching properties; ask Rafael Nadal, he swears by them. He opts for bananas over oranges, as they are good source of slow-releasing energy which will give you enough mettle for a round of "lawn tennis" if the Mrs. so demands.
Containing an enzyme known as bromelain, bananas are a suitable sexual hormone regulator, serving to increase male libido and heighten sexual pleasure. Bananas are also rich in potassium, which works to serve the heart and nervous system, as well as magnesium, which boosts the function of the prostate.
To clear this up quickly, apples grow on trees, just like walnuts; they must be nuttier fruits?
These sweet, creamy nuts are brimming with Omega-3 fatty acids, which help to increase blood flow to the old meat 'n' veg. With twice as many antioxidants than any other nut of the same quantity, walnuts also aid with increasing sperm count and sexual function.
Citrus-rich fruit and berries
Vitamin C is such an important antioxidant, I'm surprised pirates of yore didn't pile crates of citrus to quell the scurvy when they reached the shores of Tortuga.
Not only does citrus cure scurvy, fruits such as oranges, satsumas, nectarines, cherries and berries (red, blue, black) are chock-full of antioxidants the body needs to protect your swimmers from free-radicals and oxidative stress.
Oxidative stress has the potential to damage the DNA that sperm holds, endangering your bloodline. Research has also found that levels of Vitamin C are significantly reduced in infertile men. Low Vitamin C has also been associated with decreased motility (movement) and abnormal morphology (shape).
These exotic fruits are a true gem. Pomegranates contain an enzyme that fights a chemical in the blood which destroys sperm. The sneaky chemical is called Malondialdehyde (MDA) which if found in semen, is associated with low sperm quality.
The International Journal of Medical Research and Health Sciences revealed in 2013 that smoking increases the MDA in semen and lowers sperm count. Perhaps it's about that time we reconsider lighting an e-cigarette.
It shouldn't be hard to coax anyone to eat a strawberry. You can dip it in chocolate! That should be enough, really. While I'm talking about chocolate, aim to munch on something that has more cocoa than milk; 85 percent and up is always great. Dark chocolate helps the volume of the ejaculate, increases motility and sperm count.
Strawberries are just as enriching, as they are laden with antioxidants and natural flavor. Strawberries are also rich in Vitamin C and contain methylxanthines, which are known to activate libido.
Next time you're at the grocery counter, think of how many different and exciting ways you can incorporate one or all of these nutritious foods into your diet. One surefire way to get a good kick in the morning is to make simple banana, walnut and dark chocolate pancakes.
Just mash the banana with some organic coconut milk, toss in some crushed walnuts and dark chocolate and let the pancake sizzle. You may not realize it now, but your body will thank you for it, especially if you already hear the patter of healthy young feet in the morning.