There comes a point when you have been single for so long that you shift from wanting a relationship so badly to feeling terrified about the idea.
You're so stuck in your ways and comfortable with your solitude that you fear bringing someone else in will mess it all up or force you to change more than you are comfortable changing.
Then, you start to think that maybe, you have been single for so long because no one can put up with your brand of crazy.
Then, your mind falls down a rabbit hole of fear where you come up with reasons for why it’s better that you're just by yourself:
1. Loss of creativity
I can go for three days straight in a completely creative bubble without so much as noticing or caring about the passage of time.
When I don’t have a man on my mind to make me feel anxious or dreamy, everything and everyone inspires me and I pour it into my work.
When I am dating someone I really like, he becomes my main interest and focus instead of the work. There is no artist/muse relationship, as much as I wish that were the case.
If I am dating someone who is also creative, it sometimes leads to collaboration. But, I have a hard time combining work and play, so I tend to keep those separate.
Still, when my heart is drawn to someone, I find it incredibly difficult to concentrate on my own stuff.
I hear people talk about how great it is that once you’ve reached a certain level of comfort and intimacy in your relationship, you can feel free to do things like fart, wear dirty underwear, stop shaving and help each other pop zits.
In my opinion, there is nothing less romantic or intimate. The thought makes me shudder in disgust.
I don’t even like doing those things by myself; why would I want to subject someone else to those things, or be subjected to them myself?
Yes, of course, we are all human and these are all human things. But, call me crazy, I would like my partner to always be attracted to me, and I to him.
I am terrified that once I start dating someone, I will just start caring less and less about those things and vice versa because of the effort involved.
Also, I take great pride in taking care of my body. But, once it gets to the point in a relationship where a boyfriend and I start to spend nights with each other pretty regularly, those early-morning barre class workouts will probably go out the window.
And, in place of grocery shopping at my favorite health food store, I will settle for going out to eat and ordering in. What if I gain a substantial number of love pounds? Ugh, the horror!
3. He might grow to hate me
Calling me an opinionated person would be a huge understatement. I can’t keep my fat mouth shut about anything unless I have laryngitis and physically can’t speak.
The number of times I’ve gotten into a heated debate with a boyfriend while drunk (or sober, who am I kidding?) and ended up crying are too many and too embarrassing to count.
I like to characterize myself as passionate, which includes emotional and sensitive, too.
It’s hard to exist in a healthy relationship with all of these challenging personality traits, and I fear that anyone I date long-term will grow to hate me and my personality.
This will send me down an insecurity spiral or cause me to dull or change who I am. Being in a relationship forces you to look into a mirror, which is good, but what if you are afraid of the reflection you see?
4. Insecurities or oddities exposed
I am very insecure about my many food allergies. It makes me feel very high maintenance, even though I think I am anything but. When I think about having to tell someone new about what I can and can’t eat, it makes me want to die.
Who wants to date the food allergy girl? Who wants to go to a pitch-in dinner with someone who only eats the protein option and salads with no dressing? That’s f*cking boring.
If he doesn’t run for the hills after dealing with that, he definitely will upon learning that I pee every five seconds and have to have aisle seats on planes and at movies.
I can only sleep if it’s pitch black and there is a fan blowing for the white noise effect. I can’t get my hair wet if it’s straight, and he can’t run his hands through my hair if it’s curly. Come at me, boys!
I know everyone has his or her thing, but I have LOTS of things. Who in his right mind would ever want to put up with that?
Lastly, I worry endlessly that once a guy finds out that I not only never keep anything to myself, but also write about my personal experiences for a lot of strangers to see, he will get freaked out.
Anything he does or says will probably end up in a script or in a blog post.
I’m worse than Taylor Swift, and I’m pretty sure I’ve already scared a lot of eligible bachelors away because of it.
I’m sure many of you have had these same fears or many different fears of your own.
We all have them. But, when you have been single for as long as I have, you are forced to do a ton of self-reflection and subjected to scary and sometimes irrational thoughts.
But, I know I have to accept and love who I am and know that once I do, others will, too.