I never saw myself as the settling type. Maybe it was because I valued my freedom a little too much, or maybe it was because I couldn't picture people wanting to spend the rest of their lives with me. I am not the easiest person to be with.
I'm a kid at heart. I'm constantly intrigued by the simple things in life and constantly looking for the next adventure to embark on. I am indecisive about decisions, and there are times when I find myself wanting nothing more than to sit on my patio with a cold one and not give two f*cks about anything or anyone.
Every one of my failed relationships seemed to reiterate what I had come to believe: Settling down is just not for me. Oddly enough, while talking with my friends who were on the path to a lifelong commitment, I began to wonder, "Do I want to settle? Am I the type who settles down? Will I ever settle?"
Turns out, when you've gone through a hell of a breakup, you begin to doubt yourself. You begin to question whether or not you have it in you to be loved by someone other than yourself. More importantly, I began to question whether I had it in me to love someone without fear and reservation.
Writers tend to put everything on paper. We write pro-con lists, and we try to rationalize our feelings through words. While re-reading my journals of every relationship, I realized from the most subtle indications that I did want to settle down, despite feeling I was not the settling type. But with every failed relationship, it seemed I was given a sign that justified why I knew settling down was for me.
Though I went through a rampage of casual sex, I knew in the back of my head that I wanted to settle down. Here are four ways I knew settling down was still in the cards for me:
Where The Heart Is
When I moved to college, I thought I was living the life. Like the famous Chantal Kreviazuk, I thought leaving on a jet plane was a thrill. However, it becomes exhausting and dreary. When I took on an opportunity in another city, I was commuting back and forth.
At one point, I would come "home" just to see and spend time with my girlfriend, only to leave the following day. I realized that as much as I sought out and thought this was the lifestyle I wanted, settling down with my SO and having a home that is ours is much better.
Every failed relationship seemed to come forth in my future relationships. Even while I was hooking up with a different woman every night, I couldn't seem to shake my past. Finally, when I had found some peace and the strength to accept that my past is past, I realized I was ready to settle down.
I was ready to look to the present and to the future with my partner, and not worry about my history. As much as I was shaped by my past, I knew I couldn't let it determine my future.
Give, Give, Give
I was always a giver. One of the things I discovered in my journals and recognized in myself was the fact I was always willing and ready to give my all. I was willing and ready to trade in my swinging single lifestyle and enjoy a Netflix and cuddle session.
I was ready to do away with my old life. I knew I wanted to settle down because once you meet someone you are willing to take a chance on, it's not so much about giving as it is sharing.
For me, when it came to "my future," it usually consisted of what restaurant or bar I was going to go to that evening. But, I realized that even these once fun and exciting choices were quickly losing their attraction. Maybe it was because I was nearing my dirty 30s or I was #adulting, but suddenly, I didn't mind looking ahead.
I didn't mind thinking and planning a future with my girlfriend. Things that used to scare me like planning weekend getaways or birthday parties for friends and family suddenly became things I embraced. I have come to embrace the fact that while my head told me I was not the settling down type, my heart told me I was. As I've learned time and time again, the heart is always right.