The Tragedy Of Falling For Someone Who Doesn't Know How To Love

by Candice McCoy

The only thing worse than loving someone who doesn't love you is loving someone who loves you, but doesn't know how. I say it's worse because it's selfish as hell. Someone who doesn't know how to love you is just that person telling you he or she hasn't taken the time out to really listen to your needs or wants.

That person hasn't taken the time out to really get to know you. That person doesn't know how to love you because be or she hasn't put in the time to figure you out.

That person doesn't know what to say when you feel like you're about to give up on your dreams because he or she doesn't know how much it means to you. That person doesn't know what to say when you miss a certain deceased family member because he or she doesn't know how bad it hurts you.

That person doesn't know what to say when you're upset about not getting that job because he or she doesn't understand how passionate you are about it. That person loves you for the sh*t that's on the surface: You're cute, funny, have style and are a go-getter.

The secret about love is it's the easiest thing to fall into. It's easy for someone to become the first person you think about when you wake up. It's easy for you to want the best for someone.

It's easy for you to always want to be around someone. But what most "lovers" don't tell you is that learning how to love someone based on what he or she stands for is hard as hell.

Most people consider themselves a lover. "I love hard." "I don't fall easily, but when I do..." "If I love you, I'm going to always love you." There's a lot of sh*t that most lovers say.

But ask 50 of them why their last relationship didn't last, and 46 of them are going to say, "It was just a little miscommunication, I guess."

What is there to miscommunicate about if we know each other like the back of our hands? At this point, we should even have the body languages to a T. But that's the thing: People don't take the time out to learn their partners.

They want the cute-pictures-on-Instagram relationship instead of the one that consists of real f*cking time and effort. When you ask your girl what's wrong, she says, "Nothing" and your selfish ass goes back to playing video games, then you haven't figured out how to love her. Because if you did, you'd know it takes a little extra effort to get her to say exactly what's on her mind.

When your man asks you what's wrong and you say, "Nothing," knowing damn well you're mad that date nights have become nonexistent and his boys come over way too much? Then you haven't met him halfway with helping him figure you out.

Yes, figure your partner out, but also leave room for him or her to figure you out as well. I know that ladies love guys who can read minds, but unfortunately we ain't there yet, girlfriend.

I hate saying things like "this generation," but we really do f*cking suck when it comes to putting in the time to reap the benefits. We want everything now like a damn JG Wentworth commercial.

We have to get rich quickly, fall in love quickly and get settled in our careers quickly. Anything that lasts a while was not built in a day. I don't want any part of anything that was built in a day because the foundation is sh*tty.

I always talk about my first love because somehow, 90 percent of my lessons came from that one relationship. We've known each other since sixth grade, and we know each other like the back of our hands.

Do you know how much time that is? The way we know each other and understand each other cannot happen in the first six months, and trust me, I was far from an open book with him. This is why time and effort is so important.

It's cool having someone who loves you and wants to be around you all the time and see you do good, but it's a million times better when you have someone who loves you and knows how to love you. Love someone who takes your uniqueness into consideration when loving you.

Love someone who feels your mood change. Love someone who knows what you're going to say before you even say it.

Love someone who knows your style. Love someone who knows you in and out.

I believe that there are levels to love, but loving someone who knows exactly how to love you when you're mad, sad, happy, broke, rich, fat or skinny is the ultimate level.

But let's say you have taken the time to figure your partner out. You know when your partner is mad, sad or happy without him or her even saying a word.

You know what shirt your partner will throw on with those jeans. You know what to say when he or she is having a rough day, and you know when to give your partner space. The problem is, you're like that with everyone.

As I explained in one of my previous posts, love is not one-size-fits-all. The sh*t that worked for your ex may or may not work for your new partner. It takes two days of alone time for your new bae to get over the things that were said in an argument, while it only took your ex five minutes to be back up under you.

That doesn't necessarily mean your ex loved you more; that's just the way he or she thought love should go. I'm a lover who doesn't know how to love, simply because I don't take the time out to love people on an individual basis.

If I love you, I want the best for you. I'm going to push you. I'm going to encourage you, and I'm going to be by your side cheering you on.

Who's to say every guy I meet is going to want me to be there every step of the way? Who's to say he won't feel like less than a man?

It's important that we all put in the time and effort to get to know the person we claim to love. Know what that person needs, not what you think he or she needs. Do it so that even on those hard days, and those days where both of you just want to walk away from it all, you'll know exactly what to do or say to realize why you guys are there in the first place.