After a year and a half of riding an emotional roller coaster with my ex, I finally let go of him for good. I began to truly move on. I was genuinely happy in my own, independent skin. I was having the time of my life. I felt ultimately unstoppable, as if I was embarking on my ultimate peak.
I was happy being single and spending all my free time adventuring about with my best friends, instead of worrying about my ex. It wasn't until one night, when I accidentally ended up in the arms of a man – someone I had been good friends with – that my mindset suddenly changed.
An unexpected Tuesday night out turned into waking up on a Wednesday morning next to a guy I had never expected to become so close to in my life. My hungover head began to think, "Here we go again."
I had spent months trying to forget my ex. As soon as I finally did, I found myself tangled up in the same situation with a different person.
At first, I was hesitant about it. The open wounds from my last relationship had kept my guard up. But, we all know what happens when you spend more time with a person. You begin to find yourself unexpectedly moving forward with something you told yourself you didn't want.
I thought – like any other girl who thinks she confidently got over her ex – I was strong enough to regularly hang out with a man without feeling a thing. But before I knew it, I was three weeks into a relationship I was by no means ready for. The relationship between us came on hot and heavy. Not a minute was wasted during the time we spent together, but I was constantly telling myself to let go.
I knew I was digesting a bad pill. But, the high it was giving me was too good to make me care about the consequences. I was being tied up in the same exact situation I had just gotten out of with my ex. But because the guy I was with was different, I assumed the situation would be a different.
Boy, was I wrong. A primary reason things had ended with my ex was timing. He was graduating from college in the winter, and I still had two and a half years until graduation. Then came the new guy.
I had started things up with him just in time for — you guessed it — his graduation. It was one month away from our very first kiss, and it was only four short months after enduring the same ending with my ex.
I was back on that unescapable roller coaster ride, one I had sworn to myself I had gotten off for good. But, it was the same thing. I found myself sitting in a room, full of tears with my new man, trying to figure out where our relationship would be headed once he graduated.
Ultimately, my naive heart led me to believe that time would be different, despite the number of red flags being swung my way. Yet again, I was wrong.
Although the relationship with my ex was different in the sense that it lasted over a year, the one-month relationship I had with my new guy ended the same exact way. He wasn't ready to embrace his feelings to the fullest. So, he left me there to wallow in my own despair.
Finding yourself frozen in the same situation makes you think it's all your fault. I was making the wrong choices when it came to all the men I fell for. My impassioned drive for love was forcing me to end up in the same dust, time and time again.
I was sick of getting involved with men who were not ready for love. These men, who were approaching great transitions in their lives, were getting involved with the right woman at the insanely wrong time. I think it messed with their hearts and their heads. The bad timing seemingly outweighed every ounce of love and true feelings they had.
I believed too strongly in myself. I thought I could help stabilize an unstable man. This was my problem.
In a situation where time is running out, it's better to embrace the time independently. Don't try to force it upon someone who has such a short-lived juncture in your life. After living through the same situation twice with two different men, I realized that – no matter how much I cared or how much love I offered – timing was a bitch. It's going to put me in situations like these until I find the person I'm meant to be with.
Until the right time comes, it's essential to focus on what matters the most. I know that when I look back on my life, I'll want to remember all the times I tried to make myself — not someone else — happy.