“I'm getting a ton of cats because I'm going to die alone.” So many women say things like this, but I've never quite been able to accept the spinster creed.
First of all, I don't really like cats. Also, Animal Planet has taught me that hoarding them is kind of frowned upon.
I don't really get what's so bad about being alone. Sure, there are lots of positives to having a significant other – like sex and getting to split a mortgage – but single life has its perks, too.
Don't get me wrong; I'd still love to meet someone someday. But the idea of being alone doesn't terrify me in the way it did during my younger years. I don't need to be in a relationship to feel fulfilled. Love used to be a priority: a necessity, even. However, age, maturity, a few dating sites and several bad dates have made me really appreciate what the single life has to offer.
If searching dating sites has led you to people like that guy who used a picture from 10 years ago as his misleading profile picture, maybe you feel it too. You realize that this whole dating thing is not worth sacrificing your time away from Netflix.
I've been through the full stages of grief with my singleness, and I've finally come to both accept and embrace it. If you think you have as well, look for the following signs and symptoms:
1. Netflix Without The Chill
Why is this a thing? Like, seriously. I know I'm a bit out of the dating loop, but I don't get the glamour.
You'd better not think about interrupting my four-hour documentary on cheesemaking just to get a little action.
2. Canceling Cosmo And Signing Up For Food Network Magazine
I used to subscribe to all sorts of girly magazines. They have all sorts of areas like fashion and ... oh, who am I kidding? Everyone reads Cosmo for the sex tips.
Since those aren't really needed anymore, I have shifted my focus to food magazines. If I ever need to make a soufflé with fresh coco from my garden in 38 easy steps, now I can.
That's a marketable skill. Or, at least, it's more of a marketing skill than the 20 ways to join the mile-high club. Swap out sex tips for food? At least this way, I'll finish.
3. Checking Your Clothing Before You Go Out
As soon as I walk through my door, off come the shoes. As I walk into the bathroom, I take off the jewelry, pants and bra.
There's a trail of clothing and accessories around my house. I'm like a snake shedding its skin. I have so much freedom.
This is all great and wonderful, until you have to go back out and realize you're missing something. I've gotten into my car without shoes, and without realizing I wasn't wearing a bra.
Note: Check yourself for decency before you cross over the threshold, back into the real world.
4. Not Paying Attention To Grooming
Oh, has it been two weeks since I shaved? Again?
Oops. I'm probably saving a ton of time and money.
5. Starfish-Style Sleeping
I have a queen-size bed, and I'm considering getting a king. I sleep diagonally, starfish-style across the bed.
I mean, if I even had a partner, where would he go? Would we have to get two beds? I'm not giving up my sleeping style.
6. Invested In Single Person Items
There's no worse fate than trying to get an invisible zipper up or down without assistance. Guess what: There's now a tool for that.
Jar difficult to open? You can do it yourself with a tool. A cookbook giving me one-person crockpot recipes? I need it.
7. Having An Assortment Of Glasses
I like to say I have a menagerie of glasses. They just mostly happen to be on display on my bedside table, and have remnants of tannins in the bottom.
Apparently, this isn't something non-single people do. But I'm single. I can do what I want.
8. Ordering Dinner for Two
So many restaurants have meal deals for two. But when you're single, who's going to eat the other entree? You.
That's right. you. Bit's more economical to do the meal deal and eat one for leftovers than have to try to cook for one and throw away all the leftovers you made for the small army you don't have.
There's also my personal favorite- the frozen skillet meals for 2? For 2? Psh. Challenge accepted.
9. More Practical Pinterest Boards
I used to spend hours on end on Pinterest. But do I really need four boards dedicated to the future wedding I may never have?
OK, so let's hide those and start pinning cocktail recipes and how to turn t-shirts into rugs.
10. Work Ambitions
I used to dream of the day I'd grow up, get married and live happily ever after. But now that I'm nearly 30 and have regularly attended both divorce parties and second weddings, I've realized that "happily ever after" doesn't seem to be all it's cracked up to be.
Why settle for a Mrs. before my name when I could use all those efforts to have the word "CEO" behind it instead?
11. Dating As A Game
Since I really can't take the dating app thing seriously, I've made it into a fun drinking game. It's a relatively simple and easy way to get intoxicated.
Picture with a dead animal? Drink. Mirror selfie? Drink.
Enjoy this time. What if you meet someone and never get to starfish sleep again? Don't sulk because you're single; appreciate it.