“On a serious note, can you do me a favor before you go out?” my recent ex-boyfriend texted after a quick chat.
I hesitated: I had a date in an hour.
“Maybe. What is it?” I responded.
“I could use a blowjob,” he quickly replied.
His request didn’t shock me in the slightest.
Since ending our one-and-a-half-year relationship and cohabitation four months ago, we’d maintained a sexual relationship consisting of two to three encounters a week (and sometimes more).
Now, sex with an ex — especially a recent one — is convoluted with emotion.
Most people will tell you it’s a very, very bad idea to sleep with an ex.
In fact, most articles you’ll read online will warn you of such.
They’re not wrong.
I’m sure each of your friends can tell you about a night he or she spent hooking up with a former flame, and how wrong of a decision it was.
Even your own gut probably screams "mistake!" when the situation presents itself.
It probably is a mistake.
But that is precisely what makes it so much fun, and exactly what can make it the best sex of your life:
1. Sex with an ex is “bad.”
It’s forbidden. It’s wrong.
But it is so, so intoxicating.
The addictive nature of the relationship that isn’t supposed to be is incredibly powerful.
You both should probably have let go a long time ago, but how can you resist a middle of the day booty call when he promises to take you back home on his motorcycle when you’re done?
2. It gives you your power back.
He broke your heart, and it still hurts like hell.
You haven’t fallen out of love with him yet. Every time you two talk, it’s an emotional roller coaster.
He left you feeling weak and vulnerable, but your sexuality makes you powerful.
In the submissive role you’ve come to play, you actually draw power.
You know exactly what he likes, down to the dark, twisted corners of his mind.
You know which buttons to push, and precisely how to manipulate a sexual situation to give him everything he’s ever wanted.
There’s power in that.
He’ll tell you he can’t have sex with anyone else. You’re the best, and you’ve ruined him.
Truthfully, he’s ruined you, too.
3. It helps you turn heartbreak into foreplay.
The emotions that follow a breakup are intense.
The level of pain and heartbreak they bring can be torturous.
Why sit and stew in them? Use them.
Wrap them up in sexual foreplay and package them into passionate sexcapades.
There’s a reason these emotions are so strong.
If you can move through them enough to play with them a bit, you just might find yourself running into a real-life, sexual-healing type of situation.
If nothing else, it’s a great distraction.
4. It’s familiar.
This one’s a given, but it’s true.
You’ve spent months or years learning someone’s body while he or she has learned yours.
You’ve shared secrets, fantasies and a hell of a lot of other not-so-sanitary stuff.
That’s an investment of time and resources. You’re going to want to keep reaping the benefits (if possible).
You trust your ex with the things you’re not ready to do with a stranger, and that is essential for great sex.
5. It’s dangerous.
Along with being “bad,” it’s just plain dangerous.
Sex with an ex is dangerous to your emotional and mental health, particularly if you’re still madly in love with the person.
It creates desperation, manipulation and an unhealthy attachment to a person who doesn’t want to be with you.
It threatens the morals of both you and your ex until you reach a point where you have to put him or her aside for a hookup.
Let’s not forget the fact that it’s also potentially dangerous to your physical health (due to the lack of monogamy in the confusing relationship you’ve now created).
Maybe I’m a little messed up, but in my opinion, the danger is what makes it irresistible.
It’s another vice, another way to live on the edge and another opportunity to push boundaries and squash norms.
If you’re looking for self-destruction, this is certainly where you’ll find it.
Flirting with danger is living life loudly and experiencing extremes. This is exactly how I want to live.
Not only can ex sex be the best sex of your relationship, but it also has the potential to be the best sex of your life.
Sure, it’s going to keep you from really moving on, but great sex might be worth that, at least for a little while.
So listen to your friends when they say hooking up with an ex is a mistake. It is.
Read the article about how to resist responding to your ex’s 2 am booty call. (I’d admire your strength.)
But also know there’s room in life for mistakes.
If it’s a mistake you want to make, I hope you can find as much good in it as I have.
Also, I apologize in advance because that sh*t is addictive.