20th Television

Why You Shouldn't Involve Your Ex's Friends If You Want To Get Back Together

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“Well, I would love to know what his mom thinks about this.” I've heard this phrase being uttered by many a heartbroken girlfriend. I'm sure that at some point, I've even said it myself.

If it's not the mom, it's the best friend who really likes you. It's the sibling you used to drive to soccer practice, or the roommate who was your consistent third wheel. It doesn't matter who it is: After a breakup, you can't help but wonder what your ex's inner circle is saying about you, especially if you know that the person liked you.

When you're stuck in the post-breakup mindset, it's logical to think that your ex's closest friends and family could perhaps convince him or her to repair what has been broken and get back together with you. As great of a route as this may seem, it's the wrong road to venture down.

This doesn't work for two huge reasons. So, while you sit and wonder endlessly about the conversations that are happening behind closed doors, think about these two huge truths that you need to face:

1. These conversations are completely out of your control, if they are even happening at all.

2. Even if they are happening, they most likely won't make a difference at all.

Regardless of the reason you broke up, if your ex doesn't want to be with you, nothing his or her friends say will make a difference. Yes, you read that correctly. If your ex doesn't want to be with you, his or her friends could fight for your cause until they're blue in the face.

It's not going to make someone who doesn't want to be with you instantly change his or her mind. Beyond that fact, most friends try to be respectful of their friends' wishes, especially when it comes to relationships.

So, even if  – and this is a big “if" – your ex's friends go up to bat for you, they'll probably cease fire as soon as they are met with any resistance. That's just what good friends do.

They'll see that it's a losing argument. They'll choose to respect and support their friends' wishes, and they'll shift gears. They will instead try to help their friend move on with his or her life.

While it is absolutely the right choice to zip your lip and not involve your ex's friends in your post-breakup saga, it becomes extremely hard to do so in this day and age. Everyone is extremely accessible to most people.

With just a few clicks on various apps, you can figure out just about anything about your ex, his or her inner circle and his or her whereabouts. If your curiosity gets the better of you, you can reach out or “bump into” your ex's friends for answers at any time.

We've all been there. Temptation is a real bitch in this situation. All it takes is one random night out on the town when you were initially filled with the hopes of moving on from your ex. Across the bar, you spot one of your ex's best friends. Then, you decide that “fate has stepped in.” It's time to make your move.

With your not-so-hidden agenda, you can blabber on and on about the fact that you're not over the breakup. You can explain how much you miss him or her. All of this is said in the hopes of having the friend go back to your ex and relaying the whole story.

Let's be honest: This move is overdone and completely transparent. Moreover, it doesn't work. The worst part about this situation is, since you are so sure the friend or family member in question will relay your sweet messages, you cling on to hope that might not have been there otherwise.

You wait impatiently the next day for a message, phone call or some kind of communication from your ex. When you get radio silence, you're even more distraught than you were before the friend run-in.

The main takeaway here should be this: If you feel like you have unfinished business, lingering thoughts or sad feelings post-breakup, there is one person – and one person alone – who you should talk to: your ex.

As hard and scary as it may be, the best way to get the answers, closure and results you seek is to find an appropriate and succinct way to talk to your ex like an adult.

Reaching out to the inner circle does not work. So, let's retire it. It's immature and inappropriate to air your dirty laundry out to a third party, and especially to a person who is close to your ex. At the end of the day, two adults agree to be in a relationship, and two adults have to agree to break up. The only people who can fix that broken relationship are those two adults.

A healthy relationship stems from the decisions that the two people within that relationship make. Would you really want to date someone who's only dating you because his or her mom told him or her to get back together with you? The answer to this question is – undoubtedly – no.