On one lazy Saturday recently, I was sitting inside and watching the rain come down hard outside. I was warm in my leopard-print Snuggie and Hello Kitty slippers.
I was in the middle of my usual morning routine (chugging a pumpkin latte and mindlessly clicking through all my social media platforms) when I almost scrolled past a picture on Facebook. I scrolled back up.
Awww, I thought to myself. What a cute couple. They look like they complement each other. I want some version of that some-
Wait. Wait. The guy on the screen staring back at me too closely resembled someone I once knew. I threw my computer on the couch and scurried over to my nightstand to grab my glasses so that I could analyze the sh*t out of this photo.
As I pushed my spectacles up the bridge of my nose, the truth revealed itself to me. And yep, sure enough, there he was: my ex, with some chick who wasn't me.
The picture spoke a thousand words, yet none of it made sense. There it was -- his beautiful brown hair, his perfect amount of scruff, his blue-green eyes that stared into your soul. All of that, next to her: Her fake blonde hair that didn't hide dark roots, her chipmunk/Austin Power teeth, and the loads and loads of caked-on foundation that drenched her skin. Her face was so whack that it was borderline offensive. I was LIVID.
The worst part of it all? He was leaning into her in the photo, and in the caption he'd written, "My everything."
I wanted to unsee the photo. I wanted to throw rocks at my computer (but I love my computer too much). I even threw up a little (OK, not really, but if you can't feel my disgust yet, you soon will).
There are only a few things in life more infuriating than watching your ex-boyfriend/hookup buddy/virginity-taker/what-have-you end up with someone uglier than you. If I had to list them, those few things would be losing your phone, getting mugged, and getting cut in line at Starbucks during rush hour.
The worst thing is that this wasn't just about him; it became about me, too.
When your ex dates someone uglier than you, you enter a spiral of self-doubt and suspicion. You turn into the kind of malicious person you usually sneer at. All of a sudden, you’re the judgmental asshole who desperately needs to be knocked off her high horse.
Now, if there’s anything I’ve learned, it's that karma’s a b*tch (especially when it comes to love), and girls who have been in my shoes have bashed on me, too. It’s just the cycle of life. It's the food chain, if you will -- the predators hunting their prey.
But that didn't stop me from feeling unbelievably inadequate and wanting to make this chick feel the same way. I feel a little bad, but it's whatever.
So here are the thoughts that go through your head when you find your former beautiful swan with his new ugly duckling:
1. OK, I shouldn’t open up the picture.
2. Should I? Should I click on the thumbnail and make it full-screen?
3. No, I shouldn’t. But I’m doing it anyway. I want to give in to my inner demon.
4. AWAKEN, INNER DEMON!
5. Oh, THANK GOD. She’s uglier than I am. Phew. That blonde hair made me nervous for a second.
6. She Photoshopped her pores. There's no way they're that small IRL.
7. And WTF is that denim jacket? It looks like something her (hypothetical) Grandma Ethel would wear.
8. Is that his type now?
9. His new type is Cake Face?
10. I can't even call her Butter Face, because she's unfortunate looking from head to toe.
11. Was I that ugly when I was with him? I guess I should look in the mirror more often...
12. I'm going to kill my #squad the next time I see them.
13. WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL ME I'M UGLY?!
14. Neil Patrick Harris is straighter than this chick's teeth.
15. What kind of crazy psycho bitch am I that I pushed him THAT far in the other direction?
16. In fact, what the hell am I even trying so hard for? I can’t even get a guy like him.
17. Like, why did I go to the gym at 5:30 this morning?
18. I’m not going to wear makeup anymore. F*ck makeup, f*ck da police. And the gym.
19. Y’know, I kind of feel bad for being such a bitch.
20. Eh, maybe I don't.
21. I’m sorry, but if she’s hot AND smart, I’m the Abominable Snowman.
22. I’d be way more insecure about this if she were more beautiful than me.
23. Ok, here's my thesis: I’d rather be ugly and smart than hot and dumb.
24. JK, I’d rather be hot and smart (the ~ideal~).
25. Wait. Did he not like my personality?
26. The timing was just wrong.
27. Because he wasn’t the one.
28. That little slut.
29. But seriously, this chick is a busted-ass hoe.
30. I pity her and her ugliness. It honestly just makes me sad.
31. No matter what happens, I’m the best he’s ever had.
32. Lemme show a picture of the girl to all of my girlfriends so I can confirm she’s heinous. I need to check myself before I wreck myself.
33. Guys, look! This girl is so ugly. Isn't she so ugly? What? You don’t think she’s heinous?! If you don’t see it at that angle, I can turn it upside down for you...
34. I'm nice, so that means she must be Mother Teresa. Dammit, this sucks.
35. Whatever, they’re just engaged. Last time I checked, engaged isn’t married, so there's still time to sabotage them.
36. I hate my life.
I can’t wait for my ex (or Horse Face, or both) to passive-aggressively "like" this article on Facebook once it gets published (yo, ex! sup, Horse Face!)