Dear Crazy Ex Boyfriend,
How are you doing? Still insane, I assume. That’s okay. You were always delightfully batsh*t.
Anyway, I wanted to take the time to write you a letter. I know what you must be thinking: “Oh no. She’s about to go full on Carrie on me.” Actually, you’re wrong. What I actually want to say, in this long overdue message, is thank you; thank you for everything.
Thank you for treating me like I was worthless. For the longest time, I was dependent on you. I yearned for you and every terrible thing you would say to me. You were my everything.
Once I came to my senses, however, I finally realized that I am worth so much more than you could ever dream of and it was you, in fact, Ex Lover, who was so unworthy of my love.
For making me as Herculean as I am today, I thank you.
Thank you for every time you told me that my dreams were crazy, that my writing was a joke and that my career was doomed. Thank you for giving me the drive to prove you wrong.
Thank you for making me feel as accomplished as I do now and for my having a solid body of work at only 23 years old.
For making me so fiercely ambitious, I thank you.
Thank you for crazy ups and downs; the mood swings and the undue spouts of vicious anger. You made me concretely aware of my own emotions. Instead of becoming unhinged, you made me sane. I recognized that the fault was with you and that I wasn’t to blame.
For making me intensely aware of my own feelings, I thank you.
Thank you for all of those strange and creepy nicknames. They’ve made for stellar inside jokes with my friends.
Though every “pet name” was bizarre and somewhat degrading, they eventually made me see clearly that you were wrong for me and that you had deep-seeded emotional issues that you refused to address.
When I look back on the whirlwind year and half I spent with you, I hardly recognize the person I once was — today, I am far different from her. Though you were a terrible boyfriend and a textbook man-child, you made me a more mature and well-rounded version of my already fabulous self.
For that, I thank you.
Thank you for that true gem of an awful email that you decided to send me after I dumped you. I was definitely feeling shaky about the decision. After all, you were my whole world and my best friend for those past 16 months.
It’s very hard to accept that someone who once meant so much to you for so long is no longer part of your life. But that email, my dear, made leaving you behind the easiest thing I’ve ever done. You told me I was a worthless POS (yet again).
You said everything you thought you should say to really hurt me, to serve me up some piping hot kryptonite in 10,000 words (yes, it was that long). Instead, you made our relationship a mere blip on my radar, a speed bump along my journey to greatness.
For embarrassing yourself and making yourself out to be the true bastard that you are, I thank you.
Thank you for sucking so hard, really. I can truly never thank you enough for making my life a living hell for so long. You made me aware of what a bad relationship looks like. You made me want more from my partner and more from my life.
Never again will I settle for anything less than I deserve and never again will I allow myself to be treated like anything but gold. I am grateful to you for being you because you are exactly what every girl shouldn’t want.
Whenever I meet another guy, all I have to do is compare him to you and I’ll immediately know if he's worth my attention.
For my next great love, I thank you.
I sincerely hope that my relationship with you has made you a better person. I dream to think that maybe the way you treated me was a wake-up call to be a better boyfriend. I doubt that's what happened, but a girl can certainly wish.
I feel bad for whichever girl is your next victim and, at the same time, I’m happy for her because with any luck she, too, will be a stronger woman for having dealt with you.
I wish you the very best, you scum-sucking, basic b*tch, and I wish you all the success and happiness in the world. Just kidding, I don’t at all.